Raspberries
by high and down
Summary: Shinji has a dark secret, just like everybody. Slash
1. raspberries::1::Hello Stranger

Sorry, this was supposed to be a one shot but it got a little longer than I expected. Very little plot, very little originality and very little substance. In fact, very little of anything at all. Here purely to waste your time. Have fun.

Neon Genesis: Evangelion owned by Bandai © 1998 – 2005.

Oh yeah, this is yaoi. Homophobics go fuck yourself.

* * *

raspberries

* * *

"Hey, Ikari, how's it going?" Toji rocked up next to me. "How was your weekend?"

"Hm? Oh, alright ... a bit boring." I shrugged and opened my locker, trying to look neither not too interested nor too bored. "I didn't really do anything."

"Oh, great, great, and how's Misato?" Toji obviously hadn't listened to my reply.

"She's fine. Still asleep."

"Wow. You sure are one lucky guy. I bet she looks like an angel when she sleeps." Toji's mouth curved into a goofy grin and his eyes looked a little dreamy.

I thought about Misato sprawled out on her front over the futon this morning, arms and legs everywhere, the blanket draped over her backside and the pillow on the floor, drool pooling on the floor under her mouth. And not to mention the profane things she muttered in her sleep. I'd thought for a moment she'd been referring to me when she started to go off her head (still asleep) at the 'oversexed, overweight, fugly bitch of a mole.'

I decided not to say anything to Toji, though. I didn't like to ruin the poor guy's fantasy.

"Well, just another day," Toji was about to say more but spotted Hikari coming towards us. "Oh god, hide me!" He looked around frantically and threw himself under the locker benches, skidding under just before Hikari arrived.

"Hi, Ikari! Good morning, how are you? Have you seen Toji-kun? I'm sure he was over here just a minute ago."

"Suzuhara? Ah ... no, I don't think he's arrived yet. It's Monday, he ... likes to sleep in after the weekends."

"Hm. He'd better not be late!" Hikari didn't seem too depressed. "I'll see you in class, Ikari."

"Okay, um, bye!" The cheerful grin slid off my face as she turned her back to me. "Phew, thanks Shin. That was close." Toji brushed his clothes off and stretched his legs.

"You know, Hikari's a nice girl. Why do you always hide from her? You could just talk to her for once."

"Nu-uh. Girls like her are scary. They pull in guys like me just for their own benefit – if any guy ever fell into her trap he'd come out a complete and total conformist!"

"Um..." I wasn't sure what Toji was saying but I nodded anyway.

"The less time I have to spend around her the better," Toji added. He couldn't say anything else just then, because the bell went and the flock of students started to move inside to their classes, and we had to follow.

**X**

"Hey, Shinji! How's life?" Kensuke grinned and lifted his camera. "Say cheese!"

"Not now, Kensuke... "I sighed and put my hand in front of the camera.

"Aw, come on... "He pouted.

"Kensuke put that camera away." Hikari reprimanded him. "No cameras in class. "

"Hey, leave him alone," muttered Toji.

"Suzuhara, you shouldn't encourage him," Hikari added, looking disapprovingly at him. "Yeah, yeah," Toji sighed. "Don't you have other people to boss around?"

Hikari flushed and her cheeks brightened; she turned on her heel and flounced off to her group of friends.

"Toji, why'd you have to be so mean? Can't you just be a little nice to her?" I don't usually interfere with things like this but Hikari had looked quite hurt.

"She didn't have to stick her nose into other people's business," Toji retorted although he sounded remorseful. Kensuke just shrugged and nodded.

The teacher strode in and the chatter of the class slowly died down as the old man blinked at us drearily from behind the dusty glasses. "Good morning everyone," he said in a loud voice. "I swear he's gonna croak it doing that one day," Kensuke hissed. Hikari shot him a dirty look and he rolled his eyes, standing up with the rest of the class and responding, "Good morning sensei."

"Ah, yes. We have a new student today." The teacher gestured at somebody who had been standing in the door but now came forward timidly. "This is Kaworu Nagisa. He'll be your new classmate and I expect everyone to welcome him as warmly as they can."

"He looks like a weed to me," Toji hissed under his breath. "Do you even know what a weed is?" Kensuke hissed back haughtily. Toji shut his mouth and glared at Kensuke.

I didn't hear them, staring instead at the new kid. He was slim and not very tall – only a little taller than me, I guessed. He had silvery straw coloured hair, feathery and unruly and sticking out around his ears, and pale skin, but his eyes were a dark striking red that somehow seemed to pierce deep inside when they caught your attention, and he held himself in this lazy but confident manner, his smile reflecting the lazy confidence. He was quite beautiful...

"Please sit here, Kaworu. Next class you may sit wherever you like." The teacher indicated a seat up the front that was (obviously) empty and Nagisa nodded.

Although I spent a good part of the lesson looking at Kaworu, the lesson seemed to fly by. All classes do, for me. A lot of them just pass without anything going into my head, because I'm concentrating on other things, and I don't learn an awful lot at those times. I don't know why – maybe things have just lost meaning. But it doesn't matter that much, does it? Life isn't about the things we learn and what we can do with them. Life is strange (yeah, like you didn't already know that). People try to find out what it means, but I think that's a pretty stupid thing to do. There isn't much to do. Life tends to be about pretending that it is actually worth something, and ignoring that inevitable end called death, pretending it's not constantly staring you in the face.

Mind you, I guess for someone like me not many things have meaning anyway. It's one of those perspective things. It all depends on how you look at it. Right?

Well, before I knew it, recess had come. I didn't even work in class. I couldn't. I can never sit and concentrate in class properly. Not with the recurring scenes in my head that seem to loop forever and ever – even when I sleep, and then it's worse, because I can't wake up and say that it really was all a dream, because it's not. Even when I'm with friends, I can't seem to completely forget. The colour has leaked a little, like sepia photographs, and it's a little melted around the edges, but it's not enough to fade away completely. You know, if only there had been something I could have done, if only I hadn't been so stupid and _slow_ and _dumb_ and – no. Can't think about that now! I don't want to, remember?

I pushed the thought away, another feeble attempt to hide away what would always be glaringly obvious. As the bell went I stood up automatically, going through the motions without feeling. The chatter of the students just blurred in my ears to a slurred hum, meaningless and annoying, like insects.

"Oh, you dropped something," Kensuke's voice rose above the buzzing and I looked up, expecting the something to be given back to me, but instead saw Kensuke handing the new kid a book. For once, I wasn't the one who'd dropped something, which made a change. Often I was so preoccupied, or just so out of it, that I dropped everything clumsily, in a daze, and Kensuke would always sigh and pick it up for me.

"World War II? You like history?"

"Ah, actually I was reading it for background information on politics," the new boy replied quietly. He had an incredibly silky voice, which was somehow deep and mature, yet young and boyish at the same time, and instantly I wanted to hear him speak more. I found myself drowning in that voice, losing my surroundings just listening. Sounds kind of pathetic, doesn't it? But it's true. He had the most amazing voice, one that could send me to sleep if I were just lying in the grass listening to it. It seemed to make me feel sweet for just a short moment. One sound that could make me feel happy just for a short moment.

"Aw, that's a shame. I'm Kensuke," Kensuke stuck out a hand and the other boy took it a little uncertainly. "I'm Kaworu Nagisa."

"And this is Toji and Shinji," Kensuke added, gesturing at us. Toji leaned back casually, trying to give off that cool attitude that he always tried to maintain and gave Kaworu a cool once over – Kaworu smiled back and it was that lazy, confident smile that was so reassuring and charismatic. Toji blushed, which was quite a rarity, and glanced at me. Kaworu's eyes followed Toji's and when they made contact with mine, I felt something shoot through me like an electric shock or something.

Dark red eyes, so clear and bright ... drowning.

I smiled weakly and whispered, "Nice to meet you. I'm Shinji."

"Come on, let's go, I'm starving," Toji complained. "Toji-kun! There you are! I made you a lunch," Hikari came over and handed a box wrapped up in a blue and white handkerchief.

"You made me a lunch?" Toji looked at the little parcel in his hands. "Uh, wow, thanks Hikari ... you didn't have to, you know …"

Hikari blushed suddenly and said hastily, "Well, you never seem to eat anything decent so I thought that I'd better make you something."

She looked at the ground, hands behind her back and she stepped to the side, glancing up quickly and noticing Kaworu. "Oh, hi, I'm Horaki Hikari. Class monitor. Nice to meet you."

Kaworu smiled back. "You too, Hikari-san." As she hurried away Kensuke looked over Toji's shoulder and whistled. "Wow, wish I had class rep making lunch for me. You're one lucky guy, Toji."

Toji rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it's probably poisoned or something. She doesn't have to baby me, and she doesn't have to keep pretending that she's watching out for everyone. We are in high school now. She doesn't have to constantly mother us. It's annoying me."

I felt it was more than that. Toji really didn't have anything decent for lunch usually anyway. It had been a really nice thing for Hikari to do.

Then again, I do know that Hikari has a huge crush on Toji ... However, I'm not one to meddle.

"Well, come on and you can try it," Kensuke suggested. "Come on, Kaworu." Kaworu looked a little surprised at Ken's openness. "Oh, thank you." And for some weird reason, I felt nervous. No, not nervous. Or maybe apprehension? No ... But I felt something.

**X**

"Er, I was wondering, I mean I don't know if you live nearby or anything but if you want to ..." I didn't know why I was finding myself inviting Kaworu into my life. I make a habit of avoiding relationships. I don't know, it's almost as if I'm afraid of people, I guess.

Okay, I lie, I _am_ afraid of people.

But Kaworu, there was something about him that I just couldn't help being drawn to ... "If you want to come by one day or something, you know." I was tripping over my words here, and it was difficult to just ask him casually if he'd like to come over sometime.

Kaworu smiled again and I felt my heart go faster. What was this, the latest "Ways to Get Shinji's Heart Racing?" That smile was just so entrancing ... "Thanks, Ikari-san."

"Shinji's fine." Wow, I seem to be getting very friendly very quickly. Since when did I let myself be so open with people? Strangers?

Then again, I'm afraid of people mostly, but I didn't feel afraid of Kaworu. Wonder why.

"Then thank you, Shinji."

Wonder where he lives. He could live really close and I wouldn't know it. Misato would know. She pays attention to these sorts of things. I should talk with her.

I swung my bag to the floor and walked in quietly, shutting the door silently. I heard a distracted mumble suddenly and then a loud curse. Walking into the kitchen, I found Misato standing over a pot on the stove from which thick white smoke was rising. "Ermm …"

Misato waved a paper fan over the smoke, choked, turned around and spotted me. "Oh, hello Shinji. How was your day? I just finished making some soup," she smiled, and grabbed a bowl, brushing violet hair out of her face.

"Er, is it ... that?" I indicated the steaming pot. Misato's cooking is not to be trusted. I mean, it's a lovely thought and all, but Misato can't cook. And I say that with the utmost affection.

"Yeah, nice and warm. It was a cold day today for spring, wasn't it?" Misato waved a few more fumes away before scooping several ladles into the bowl she held. Plonking it down in front of me, she sat opposite me and placed her chin on her hands. "So, what did you do today?"

"Not much. We got a new kid, though. His name's Kaworu." I didn't even pretend to touch the crusty mess in the bowl. Misato had only made it out of kindness. She didn't really expect me to eat it.

"Nice kid?"

"Yeah, he's really nice. I don't know if he lived around here ... have you seen him before? I forgot to ask if he's from around here."

"What does he look like?"

"He's got pale hair and dark red eyes. And a really nice smile," I added on without really thinking. Misato must have noticed this but didn't say anything, dismissing it as my nature to pick out the nice features of people first, probably. She's like that. And besides, I don't really like remembering people by their worst qualities. "No, I don't think I have. Invite him back here some time."

"Yeah ..." I nodded, my mind wandering again.

**X**

I've never really thought about people much, now I consider it. I mean, there are my friends, of which there are only a few, but I've never really thought about … how pathetically afraid I am and all. You know, it's like a hedgehog relationship. The closer we get, the more we hurt each other. Drive it deeper the closer you get. It's true, too.

But today, when I saw Kaworu ... I realised, I've never even looked at people in that light. By that I mean I've never thought about what they really mean to me. I've just been so occupied with pushing them away that I never got to see what they might be like inside. After meeting Kaworu, I feel somehow drawn to him. Attracted. I don't know what it is, seeing as I hardly know him, but he's just so laid back and friendly and acceptant that I can't help but like him.

But ... I'm still afraid of getting to know him. I'm so weak. I'm always afraid of people. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm terrified of what people can do to you. Maybe because I don't want to be shot down, don't want people to tell me what they think of me. It sort of feels like my body is just waiting to be cut off from my emotions when I think people are going to hurt me, like a defence – wait, that doesn't even make sense, does it? Nothing does, except for the times that I actually bother to think about it properly. I don't, though. I'm afraid of what I might find. I'm afraid of everything, really. Even Kaworu.

But there's something about him that I'm drawn to, impossibly, just something that tells me there's another emotion overriding fear...

All this while, I'm lying on top of my bed, staring up at the ceiling, listening to my tape. It soothes me, listening to music. Classical music. It makes me feel calm and like I belong, somehow. How? Don't know. Maybe it's the flawless, streaming way that it fluctuates and creates emotions.

Or maybe just because I'm boring and I'm a loser.

You know, all this thinking doesn't do me any good. Really. It's just because of – what happened. I try to distract myself from thinking about it. It's funny. I've never told anybody anything about it. If somebody asks me where my parents are, I just tell them that they died when I was a child.

Which is the truth.

But I don't tell them about the flash of silver, about the spurts of red that spray over my face, about the hands grabbing me or the pleas that scream in my ears. It's enough to drive anybody insane, what with images of _that_ in your head. See? Now you know why I think so much. Otherwise the scenes just pop up of their own accord and start playing, and that's one of the worst things that can happen. As long as I can be distracted by everything else, it will be all right. I can keep running.

**X**

No wonder I always think of Kaworu. How could I not? We just had to have sports class the next day. So of course, I dressed up in my sports uniform – or at least I started to, but Kaworu just had to follow me because he didn't know where the change rooms were. And of course he changed right next to me and I swear to you, if that body was not the most attention-seeking body I have ever seen then eat me alive. The worst part is that even now I can remember how it went.

First he stripped off his shirt, and I wasn't going to watch until I accidentally happened to glance at him, and then I have a horrible feeling that I actually stared with my mouth open. I think he noticed too. But he didn't say anything and just undressed right down to his boxers, right next to me, brushing against me as he moved.

Then he dressed himself, snapping me out of my daze and I had to get dressed as well, then we went out to do whatever sports we were supposed to.

Kaworu's damn good at soccer. I'm not too bad at it myself, (even if I do say so) but we were on opposing teams and he proved quite a match for me. By the end of it we were both sweating like the taps weren't ever going to turn off. Needless to say I played out my stare and gawk routine again, but I don't know if he noticed this time. It's strange; I never really looked at anybody in the same way. I just never found anybody appropriate to look at.

I mean, Toji has Misato to lust after, and Kensuke has the whole class of girls to gape at, but I never found girls – or any boys, either – very interesting. Perhaps it's just because I'm still suffering from the shock that Kaworu's red eyes will do, because they're so piercing. Yeah, that must be the reason. I just hope he doesn't notice … as long as I can refrain from doing it too openly and obviously …

"Shinji! Oi, Shinji! Wake up! Why are you zoning out on me again?" Toji clicked his fingers right in my eyes to break me out of my thoughts. He glanced in the direction I was gazing and rolled his eyes. "Can't keep your eyes off him, can you?"

"What?" I blinked, looking at him with confusion. Toji just laughed at me.

"Hey, look at this!" Kensuke dropped out of nowhere over my shoulder, shoving the camera screen in my face. Toji leaned in eagerly, anticipating another Kensuke-pervert session (usually which included some sneaky footage of change rooms or the like) but instead we got a rather nicely done scene of Kaworu, chatting and smiling, and laughing.

"He's really photogenic, ain't he?" Kensuke breathed, admiring his camera work. "I got this while he was talking with Hikari. It's great for practicing juxtaposition!"

"Yeah, I'm sure it is great for ju ... whatever," Toji said hastily, but continued, "What did he say to Hikari?"

Kensuke shrugged. "Couldn't get close enough to hear. I was hiding in some trees." He grinned and did his Eagle Cadet imitation again – Kensuke has an obsession with the air force. He plans to join it after he leaves school. Of course, he claims that all the stealth 'training' also helps when he's trying to get tricky footage. Personally I think it's just pure luck that he hasn't been caught yet. But it does make me worry about what sort of stuff he's got on me. You can never tell with him.

Kensuke stopped the improvisation and raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you want to know what he's saying to Hikari?"

Toji gave him an incredulous look that clearly said, 'because! That's why!' and answered, "I was just asking! Is there anything wrong with that?"

"Hey, Kensuke," Kaworu suddenly appeared in front of us. I don't know where he came from but he had this habit of appearing silently and you wouldn't notice him until the last second. "I've been meaning to ask you. Why do you always carry that thing around with you?"

"My camera? Look, I got a few shots of you," Kensuke showed him eagerly. I half expected him to be angry or annoyed that Kensuke had spied on him but he just threw his head back and laughed that beautiful laugh. It was amazing to watch him laugh; it was as if when Kaworu was happy or delighted, the whole world was laughing with him.

I've got to stop this fixation with him. It's not doing me any good – if anything, it simply makes me even more confused in general about everything. Kaworu is just a permanent source of trouble for me.

"I see. You're going to be a movie director, are you?" His eyes sparkled with mischief. Kensuke nodded enthusiastically. "Definitely."

"Are you guys done? I want to go play basketball," Toji whined suddenly. When he gets bored, which is quite often considering how short his attention span is, he never shuts up. If he starts whining the only way to get him to stop is to basically give in and do whatever it is that he wants. It's like a little child's nagging – the stubbornness overrides all logic. So, him having just started whining, we all went to play basketball.

Unfortunately Toji likes to show off when he's playing basketball, mainly because he's so tall, so a group of people came to watch. Also, to make things worse, the Kaworu fan club had followed us. In the few days that I've known him, practically the whole female population of my school has fallen for him.

Not that I blame them. Kaworu is pretty charming.

But he didn't take any interest in them at all, and hadn't done so as of yet. Which leads me to wonder. Perhaps he _isn__'__t_ interested in girls.

But I wasn't allowed to continue any further with that thought because the basketball came flying towards me and by an incredible fluke my hands just managed to catch it before it bashed my nose through the back of my head and into my brain.

Well, maybe that's a slight exaggeration. But I'm sure that that's what it would have done given the chance.

Anyway, I suddenly remembered where I was and what I was doing and in a panic, I threw the ball to Toji who happened to be on the opposing 'team' (one team being me and Kaworu, the other being Kensuke and Toji) without even realizing it. That's how distracted I get. Luckily Kaworu was on his feet and in the air and had caught it before Toji could even begin to raise his hands and then it was through the hoop by some miracle of nature.

And then the bell was going and everybody was leaving and it was suddenly just him and me. I don't know how it happened or why, and afterwards I did sort of wonder where Toji and Kensuke had disappeared off to. It was almost as if they'd purposely gone to leave me alone with the red-eyed enigma. Like a conspiracy. What were they trying to imply, anyway?

"Uh, thanks for saving my pass," I stuttered, suddenly feeling extremely awkward and embarrassed. Kaworu gave me a crooked smile and I nearly dropped dead from the sheer halt my heart came to. I'm not a pervert by nature, but that smile just seemed to make me think of naughty things whether I wanted to or not. "It was nothing. You were just a bit distant, that's all. I could see you weren't interested in the game."

"What? Oh, I was, I –"

"You were thinking about something else, weren't you?"

Oh yeah. I was thinking about whether or not you're gay. "Um, yeah, I guess I was a little distracted."

"You think a lot. Do you have a lot on your mind?"

What the? This was freaky. It was like he was reading my mind.

"I think we should get to class before the teacher gives us a detention," was my hasty response. I didn't particularly want to end up revealing something horribly embarrassing in front of Kaworu. The way he was unsettling me, I'd probably gush out my life story to him without even realising it.

**X**

"Misato! You home?" I turned to Kaworu. "Sorry, she can be a little deaf sometimes. " Raising my voice I shouted a little louder, "_Misato!_!"

She is deaf, honestly. I shouted and she still didn't hear me. Misato has selective hearing. Whether she hears you or not will depend on what she's doing. It's one of the more extreme measures of self defence, I guess. If you can't block them out of your mind then block them out physically rather than mentally. It's a good idea to be able to not hear people at the right times. But I wouldn't be able to do it.

"I brought a friend home ... " I muttered, not expecting her to hear.

Misato's head popped out from her bedroom. "Oh, hi, Shinji!" Her face took on that sweet smile that always makes me think she's especially delighted to see me, even though I know it's very often strained and difficult for her to maintain that façade of calm, happy, contentment. She tries so hard.

I heard a packet of food being kicked quickly out of the way as she slid the door shut behind her and I knew she'd been eating in her room again. Don't ask me why she does it. One of those compulsive eating disorders. Something to help her forget her own problems.

"Oooh, who's this?"

I sincerely hoped right then that Misato wouldn't scare my new friend away. One of my only friends. She can be really frightening sometimes, even though she means well. "Hi, I'm Kaworu!" Kaworu saved me from making an idiot of myself by introducing himself. "It's nice to meet you, Misato. " He smiled (I love it when he smiles) and Misato smiled back a little weakly, turning to me and hissing none too discretely, "Nice catch, Shinji!"

I have never been more embarrassed in my life. Why she had to go and say that I will never know. Thank god Kaworu didn't notice. "Misato, we're going to go do some homework together, " I said hurriedly, my face bright red.

"Okay!" She winked. "Have fun!"

I groaned and told myself that later, when we were alone, I would kill her.

But right now I didn't have to worry about those things, because Kaworu was in my house, in my room, sitting next to me. No, I had other things to worry about. Like why I felt excited about Kaworu sitting near me when I've dreaded anybody coming near me for the past five years. Okay, just don't do anything stupid, Shinji. Just act normal. Normal.

"I like your room." Idle talk. I didn't know how to respond to it, so I just mumbled something equally as idle in return. "Huh? Oh ... yeah, it does me okay."

"Thanks for inviting me."

I shrugged. It's already getting awkward. "Uh, sure, no problem ... um, wanna sit down?" I offered him a chair but he declined, asking, "Can we just sit on the floor?"

This freaked me out to no end. Usually when I'm doing homework I spread it out on the floor in front of me and lie on my stomach. I'm the only person I know who does homework on the floor – apparently it's bad for your back and it hurts your ribs. Nobody else is crazy enough to ignore a desk and chair.

However, it seemed Kaworu did. Either it was a strange, scary coincidence that he just happened to do his homework on the floor, like me, or there was more to this kid than he was letting on. I figured it was the latter – several times, it had seemed to me like he knew exactly what was going on in my head. He knew me better than myself by now already, but I hadn't ever known myself that well in the first place, so it didn't really matter.

"If you want." I tried to act oblivious.

I plopped down on the floor next to him and took out my homework. Since when was there so much? Kaworu might have to stay until dinner. Christ – don't think about that!

"Okay, what's first, Shin?" He called me Shin? No! Dear god, _don__'__t_ think about it! He was just being friendly! Nothing more, nothing less, don't get excited just because he called you by your nickname!

"Math. I don't understand it at all," I managed to recover my senses. I had the feeling that Kaworu was smart. He rarely spoke in class, unless it was to myself or Toji or Kensuke, but he always seemed to finish early and he always got things right when the teacher asked him. It reminded me of myself a little, the way he worked silently with his head down so as not to attract attention, just seeking to hide from everyone around him. Afraid of people, covering up from them.

Okay, maybe not to that extent. But he wasn't a show-off. "I'll help you then," he offered. See? I told you. He's very smart.

"So, how old is Misato?" Kaworu asked casually as we both worked on the floor.

"Twenty something," I muttered, concentrating. Kaworu didn't reply and after looking up I met a quizzical look. "Er, sorry, twenty six," I confirmed with a slight pang of disappointment. Was he interested in Misato, then?

"Does she have any siblings?" Okay, maybe he was interested in siblings of hers. Younger sisters or something. Misato was very popular with the boys.

I shook my head. "No, she's looked after me only."

Wait. I told him that? I never tell people things like that. Especially people I've only known for a few days. It takes years before I can trust somebody enough to tell them the truth, and only a few people know it, mostly through necessity; for instance, school administration. "Why does it matter?" I snapped, suddenly rather testy. Kaworu was unfazed by this and simple said thoughtfully, "You seem very close, you two."

What was that supposed to mean? "Is that good or bad?"

"Oh, it's good. It means you have a very strong relationship. She takes good care of you."

"More like I take good care of her," I muttered, shoving my math book out of the way as I finished the page.

Kaworu laughed again. Damn, he laughs so much. Makes me want to just steal that laugh forever.

Actually, at that moment, I was getting a dreadful urge to touch Kaworu. Somewhere, anywhere, just stroke that pale marble skin and put it against my cheek. Sounds sick, right? It was so strange. I know, Christ I know, it was weird and not to mention perverted. But it was like a disease hanging over me – I couldn't make it go away, couldn't ignore it. Just act normal, Shin ... Shit, why did he call me that? Actually, why am I worrying about it so much?

"Let's take a break," he said thoughtfully.

"What? We only just started!" "Never mind. I don't want to start my next assignment just yet. " His tone was one not to be argued with. I hadn't pictured him as the stubborn type but evidently, if the time called for it, he could be. He lifted his head and propped his chin on his hands, looking at me intently. Dear lord. At that moment, I didn't know what I wanted to do more. Look away and blush like crazy, hoping that he'd stop looking, or just pin him to the floor and stare back into his red eyes without blinking.

As it turned out, I ended up doing a combination – staring back without blinking whilst blushing like crazy, hoping that he'd stop looking. He looked faintly amused, but I didn't know if it was because of my apparent discomfort or something else.

He said at length, "Shinji, what are you running from?" I stared back suddenly stunned. What did he mean?

But he only waited for me to answer, fixing me with that cool gaze that made me feel hot and flushed and from which I couldn't break away. "I ... don't understand," I offered lamely after much deliberation. "What are you talking about?" I tried to sit up but my body wouldn't move from where it was on the floor.

"You're so afraid," he whispered, lightly touching my cheek with his fingers. If that didn't reduce me to a trembling bundle of wide-eyed paralysed idiocy then I don't know anything that could have. His touch was cool and feather soft, almost like it wasn't there. I swallowed, willing my hands not to move. Just be normal, Shinji, just be normal...

"Even now, you're afraid, " he added sadly, drawing away slightly and sitting cross-legged.

Furrowing my brow, I snapped back to my senses, yanked back to reality by the loss of his touch. "What do you mean? I'm not afraid. I don't know what you're talking about, Kaworu. "

He just sat there, waiting, in the dim light of my bedroom, and it was almost as if his body language was screaming to me, 'you're lying! You're lying and we both know it!'

"Your eyes are hurt. They're beautiful ... but they're pained."

What? This was getting out of hand. I couldn't take much more of him talking like that without doing something stupid which I would almost certainly regret later. Whether it be exploding at him in a fit of suddenly expressed bottled-up rage and anger, or jumping on him and devouring him whole, I knew that I couldn't let either happen. Trying to mask my hysteria with a barely controlled voice I sat up on my heels and demanded, "Stop talking in riddles! Explain yourself!"

"I'm only waiting for you to explain yourself," he replied patiently, and his dark red eyes pierced me, searching, almost as if he didn't need the answers. By this time we were close enough that I could have leant forwards and rested my head on his shoulder, and it didn't help that I was now becoming awkwardly hot, the temperature in the room appearing to climb of its own accord.

"Explain myself? I think you could do the same!" I raised my voice even though it wasn't necessary since Kaworu was close enough he that was almost touching me.

The sound of the door sliding open made me look up (although Kaworu didn't even flinch or move) and Misato walked in with a tray of sushi. Upon finding us sitting practically in each other's laps, just staring at one another and not moving, she immediately backed out with wide eyes, placing the tray on the floor and stuttering, "Oh, I'm so sorry, please excuse me, I didn't mean to –"

"It's alright, Misato. I was just leaving." Kaworu stood up with that same cool, graceful elegance that seems to radiate from him permanently, not in the least deterred by her sudden appearance, and nodded at her. "Thanks for letting me come over here." He turned to me without missing a beat, his expression exactly the same as it had been a minute ago – intense yet relaxed, deep, burning, and then he had packed up his homework and gone. Misato watched him go out the door with a dazed look and then sank to her knees. "Oh, I'm so sorry Shinji! I really didn't mean to intrude on you two, I just thought I'd bring you a little snack, but – oh, I'm terribly sorry, he's left now because of me, hasn't he?"

Once again, I was torn between two emotions – one being relief that Misato had intervened before Kaworu had managed to worm any painful memories out of me, and the other being anger and disappointment that Misato had intervened before anything had really _happened_, if you get my drift. But I answered hastily, "No, Misato, it wasn't what you think! We weren't – doing – anything like what you think, it was just –" She cut me off, saying dreamily, "My Shinji's getting all grown up, and he's already starting to outgrow me ... soon he'll leave me ... he's growing up so fast ..."

"Misato, cut that out, will you? We _weren__'__t_ doing anything and we weren't going to either!"

"So you two would have just sat like that without doing anything, is that it?" Misato raised an eyebrow. I turned bright red and haughtily replied, "We were just debating about something, that's all." She didn't need to know what I'd been thinking as Kaworu drew nearer and nearer.

She eyeballed me and stood up with a look that told me she wasn't satisfied. "Well, I'm going to get us some take out dinner, so have a shower. I want to watch our movie as soon as I get back."

Yeah, she didn't have to tell me I needed a shower. I could almost feel the nice, cold water running down me already. Of course, you and I both know that I had alternate reasons to having a shower. It's pretty hard to be in a hot room and get so close to somebody (somebody like Kaworu) that you get really worked up, and not need to go for some icy water. But Misato was going out, so it wouldn't matter to her.

"Sure, don't be too long," I said absent-mindedly, making my way for the shower. Personally she could take as long as she wanted. All the better for me.

Once I was in the bathroom I stripped off and stepped in without bothering to allow the freezing water to adjust. That was enough to help me cool down. But ... all the same, after about fifteen minutes I was watching pearly white stuff swirl down the drain in thick trails along with the cold water.

It's ironic how something like that makes me feel clean and dirty at the same time.

Luckily Misato arrived just as I was turning off the taps; after all, I wouldn't have wanted her to come home to hear the sound of somebody being tortured – or pleasured – in the shower. Definitely not. So I got dressed and left, trying to look innocent.

"Don't catch a cold from that wet hair," Misato said vaguely while getting our meal out of a bag. One of those cheap brands, the one with the fake advertising that makes you think of commercialisation and false promises. "Misato, I never dry my hair and I've never had a cold."

"That's not true. You've had plenty of colds."

"Not serious ones!" I argued, but Misato wasn't listening and hadn't been doing so. I told you. Selective hearing.

"Sit down," she ordered, handing me a plastic container with Chinese take away crammed into it. I don't know why she bothers, going to so much effort for me. I never eat very much. I just waste it. Food doesn't interest me. Mind you, not very much does, really. That's probably why Toji always makes a beeline for my lunchbox after he's finished the one that class rep makes for him almost every day.

But she did go to the effort of getting it, I guess. So I sat down in my navy cotton pyjamas and Misato sat down in her old, frayed clothes that she reserves for after work where she can just kick back and not worry about how she looks, and we watched one of those shallow movies with clichéd values being promoted, hollow acting and a skeletal storyline. A sad attempt at some form of family comfort, sitting together at dinner and watching a movie. I appreciate the efforts Misato had made. Really. I often think that she makes such a huge effort to make me feel more comfortable as an attempt to wash away her past – she uses all her time and energy doing things that allow her to forget. Misato used to work as a nurse in third world countries, but she couldn't handle the emotional stress that comes with that sort of work. We're very similar, really. Just trying to run away from our problems by covering up, hiding, running ... Wait. Hadn't Kaworu said that?

_"__Shinji, what are you running from?__"_

How had he known? How was it that he'd seemed so quietly confident and sure of himself about me?

He seemed to know me so well. We'd only known each other for perhaps a week, maybe more. But ... well, it was weird, but it was almost like he could read my mind, sometimes. Kensuke had said on more than one occasion that when I wasn't there, Kaworu would say something that would sound so much like me that it was like I was right there with them. Yeah, because he knew me better than I knew myself.

But ... Kaworu's question made me think. What _was_ I running from?

Screaming. A heavy gasp and panting.

A flash of silver. Drawing in and out, in and out.

I look down at my hands. Red. Bright red. I look at my shirt. Red. Dark red. And my shoes, my new white sneakers. Black red. My shoes are ruined!

I knew what I was running from. And knowing that made it even harder to face up and confront it.

Feeling put off from my food now, I set my container down. "Misato, I'm not hungry. I have to do an assignment."

Misato nodded and I stood up, feeling a little heavy in the heart.

**X**

I wasn't looking forward to meeting Kaworu for once. Not after what happened last night. It's not that I was embarrassed about Misato walking in on us – well, granted, that _had_ been highly embarrassing – but I just wasn't looking forwards to more soul-searching and unanswered questions and frankly, I wasn't looking forwards to meeting Kaworu. He brought up painful things. It unnerved me, the way that he could see right through me. Did that mean he could tell how I felt about him?

Good god. I hope not. Not all my thoughts of Kaworu are wholesome, if you get my message.

Although I guess it's not to be helped. I've noticed a fair few other girls gawking at him openly and sometimes when I walk past them in those little huddles that they always seem to move in, I hear them saying things.

Girls scare me. I'm awfully glad that none of them are interested in me. But still...

Anyway, I made a point of avoiding Kaworu that morning, avoiding eye contact, avoiding having to talk to him, just generally keeping away from him. I think Kensuke noticed but he was too busy sticking his camera in my face.

"Bloody hell, would you get rid of that thing?" Toji exploded as Kensuke panned from me to him. Kensuke just ignored him, of course, and zoomed in on him. Toji growled and turned away, only to come face to face with Hikari. "Suzuhara! I've got a job for you to do!" She sounded happy. Then again, class rep always sounds happy about giving other people work to do. Toji barely held back an exaggerated sigh and just said in a bored tone, "What?"

"Here. Can I get you guys to put these up around the school at recess? Thank you!" She smiled at me but I noticed that her smile faltered a little when she made eye contact with Toji – did she blush?

"What the –" Toji glanced down at the shiny papers that he'd been given. "This is – oh." He passed one to me and Kaworu, who was sitting on the other side of him. It was a flyer for a dance of some sort. No wonder Hikari had blushed when she looked at Toji.

"These are boring. Why do we advertise it? Nobody's going to come," Toji added lazily. "Let's put them up anyway, shall we?" Kaworu suggested, smoothing over the glossy sheet. Toji rolled his eyes but nodded anyway. He isn't stupid enough to decline a request made by Kaworu. Kaworu has that effect. "Kensuke, get rid of that thing and come and help us," he snapped. Kensuke drew in close for a close shot of the flyer and raised an eyebrow. "A dance? The teachers never mentioned this."

"Even if they had, would you have been listening? No! You'd be too busy thinking about your damn filming."

Kaworu had been very quiet throughout all of this. Perhaps he was contemplating which girl he would invite.

I never find social occasions like these interesting and most of the time, if I actually go, due to Misato-pressure, I spend the whole time sitting in the corner pretending I'm not there. Not that anybody notices me anyway.

"Shinji and I will put them around the lower half of the school," Kaworu suddenly spoke up. Great. He was going to corner me about the whole 'running away; thing, I could see it. Why did he care? It wasn't any of his business. Couldn't he just leave me alone to deal with it myself? Hadn't he got the message that I just didn't want to talk to him today?

_But do you want him to care?_

I don't know where that question came from. The answer wasn't too clear either. I have to admit, the thought that Kaworu was concerned about me and wanted to help was fairly appealing, but it was just a fantasy in my head. And I was still afraid of him. The closer we get, the more each of us will be hurt, right?

"Come on Shinji," Kaworu was somehow already at the door. "Let's go." I wouldn't have gone with him, but I didn't have a good enough excuse to not go. What could I say? "Sorry, I can't, because I'm an indecisive bastard who can't choose whether or not he wants to let you meddle in his life"?

How about no.

So I dragged myself out the door with him and followed him helplessly like a dog to his master.

Kaworu just had to make for the most desolate, unpopulated part of the school where nobody ever went. It was a whole line of buildings backed against the bushes, sloping quite steeply down into a car park fenced off below and nobody ever went there unless they desperately needed to piss and the toilet wasn't close by. He must have known how desolate it was. He wouldn't have gone there first just to put posters up. Nobody visited this area, except the gardeners and even then they avoided it, because it was pointless to do anything to tidy it up.

He put the posters on a bench, weighing them down with a rock, and walked past me to get a look at the view he could see. Not a lot, I assure you. There was silence. It was somehow a dry, crackling sort of silence like sound of dead leaves being trodden on in the autumn.

There were a few insect noises but they were hardly audible, and the yellowish light filtered through the leaves overhead gave everything a slightly nightmarish haze. Kaworu just breathed in the yellow air, looking into space absent-mindedly but eyes directed at the car park. I stood there with my hands by my sides, shifting uneasily and wondering if somehow I could walk away without him noticing. Not likely. But I didn't have to worry about it any longer, because then he turned around and I just _knew_ that the interrogations were going to start.

"Have you thought about what I said last night?" He focussed on me with clear red eyes, demeanour laid back and as casual as if he were discussing the view he could see above the car park.

"Er – yeah, I guess."

"Are you happy with yourself?"

What? What a weird question. It was so ... well, it was cliché to say the least. And how the hell was I supposed to answer it?

I wish he wouldn't do this. Why does he do it, anyway? What sort of question was that, anyway? If anybody else had been around they might have laughed. Unfortunately, I was alone with Kaworu, and the seriousness of his question was much more real.

He stepped close and he was still staring at me. Fuck, why does he do that so much? Doesn't he have anything better to do? "Do you sleep well at night?" he asked me softly. "Do you feel comfortable with other people?" I stared back tensely. His voice dropped to a whisper. "Do you feel comfortable with yourself?"

Now, there was only one answer to all three of those questions, and it wasn't a yes.

This was scaring me, and I don't know if it was the way things were supposed to go but I know at that moment, from the time I'd met Kaworu until this moment described, that I'd been travelling a path, and it had came to two forks. The left hand side was the one on which I would find friendship with Kaworu, and we would be best friends, and I could forget about my childhood. The right hand side was the one where Kaworu's inquisitive nature and bold, brash, painful questions would force me even further into isolation and convince me ever more to be afraid of people. And I was stepping into the right fork at this very moment.

"Kaworu, I don't know you all that well, but you are freaking me out. Can you quit the spooky questions, please?" I tried to be polite. It took every miniscule grain of courage in my body to say this to him – after all, I was rejecting the object of my current teenage lust and discovery of sexuality, and the chance to ever open up to anybody what with my terrible past and all. And there was always the horrible chance that he'd get angry. And I definitely didn't want to be around Kaworu when he was angry.

After a long moment of him staring at me, and me with my cheeks burning red hot, but determined not to give in, he murmured, "I'm sorry, Shinji. I just thought it seemed that you needed help …"

"Well, I don't. I'm fine, thank you," I managed to say with dignity, but I'm pretty sure he saw through my act of bravery, just as he did everything else. He could tell that I was hiding things. Did he know what sort of things, I wondered. It wouldn't surprise me.

"I suppose we'd better finish putting these up," Kaworu finally said, nodding as if he were satisfied. He handed half of the posters to me along with some pins and I wandered listlessly into the more inhabited part of the school. I should feel happy for finally having stood up for myself. But instead I felt only a heavy sense of guilt and regret at having pushed away my only chance at a real, true friend.

And who knows? Maybe Kaworu really could have helped to me sort out all my issues and actually help me to be happy. Why, why didn't I wait to find out? I could have avoided his questions a little longer just to find out how well we got on. And even until now I had liked him very much. But then I just had to get scared and blow it all, like a soldier on the front line who screws everyone up because he gets scared and turns tail to run home.

It was pathetic, really. I'm a weakling. Always have been, am and will be.

However, Kaworu seemed indifferent. He simply stayed close to me sticking up posters where he thought they'd be seen and didn't act any differently at all. As if nothing had happened. Strange as it seemed, I felt a pang of disappointment. If he wasn't acting differently ... I'd half expected him to show some emotion at my rejection of him, but there was none. Did that mean that he really didn't care if I had rejected him? He hadn't cared in the first place and so he wasn't affected now? He was still acting the same way – it was as if nothing had happened. Maybe for him it hadn't. There was no change in his movements or expression. I'd hoped at least he might look a little upset, or angry, that I'd cut him off, but if he wasn't betraying anything, it must mean that there was nothing there to start with. Which meant that he really didn't feel anything for me at all.

And now that he'd got the message that I _didn__'__t_ want his help, because I'd been so insistent, he'd just give up and never try to get through. So I really had just ruined my only chance at a real friend. A real, genuine friend.

You're sad, Shinji. A sad little wretch you are. I banged my head against one of the posters I'd just pinned on the wall and pain jolted through me. Good. Just the wake up call I needed.

"Ikari! What are you doing? Don't, you'll ruin the posters," Hikari appeared from nowhere and started scolding me. "Sorry, I just needed to kill some brain cells," was my response. She snorted. "You don't need to lose any more brain cells at the rate you're going. You need the few you actually have."

" ... Thanks," I commented dryly.

"Well, we're finished. Is that all?" Kaworu had come over rather quickly when he saw Hikari – maybe he likes her? Okay, all this thinking isn't good for me. I start jumping to conclusions and then I start assuming things and worse, I start believing my assumptions ... I'm getting paranoid.

"Yes, are you guys going to come?" Eh? I hadn't even looked at the posters – in all honesty, there was no way I was considering going. Too many people. Too much socialising. I found it hard enough just holding a conversation with Kensuke at recess or lunch. (Toji's no problem because even if nobody is there he'll just babble on anyway regardless.)

"I think I might," Kaworu glanced at the poster behind him. He hadn't looked at them either, I knew. He was probably just saying it to please her. Then again, he seems like the kind of guy who would go to these things ... I think he likes to be around people, unlike me. He doesn't have a fear of interacting with other human beings and he doesn't shy away from them.

"Good, good. Make sure to tell me!" And she was off, probably to find Kensuke and Toji.

"Are you going?" Kaworu asked me casually. I shrugged, looking at the ground. "I'm not really into social occasions," I replied, somewhat embarrassed. He didn't say anything in reply but there was a slight twist in his mouth that suggested he was amused.

Unfortunately, I really didn't feel like talking to Kaworu. It was horribly ironic. The one time that somebody actually shows interest in me, when I've been longing for somebody to pay attention, to actually look at me, and when I finally get it I push it away. I didn't really know what to say to him, either.

That was another issue. Something else that was cutting me off from him. I never know what to say to people. Usually if I have something to say, I say it, and then that's it, and often there's a long uneasy silence. I see that it's important to be able to talk for any amount of time, judging by my schoolmates and friends in class. But I just run out of things to say and then I'm lost in my own thoughts again.

I mean, my private life isn't exactly conversation material. I honestly don't know what to talk to people about. Perhaps it's a result of having pushed them away for too long, and I've become accustomed to not talking to people, in order to keep them away. In any case, I can't talk to people very easily. I get the feeling that when I'm with Kaworu he's either frustrated or bored. Well, that's how I think he feels – I've got no way of knowing since he never shows negative emotions unless it's something very relative to him. And even if I do talk to people, I often forget what I'm saying and it always, always leads into an awkward silence, no matter what.

Maybe it's just me. Other people seem to have no problem. Then again, it doesn't help that I really can't keep track of my thoughts for very long. Give it a moment and whatever was in my head will have disappeared forever. There's so much rubbish going on in there – even now, it's all rubbish, isn't it? It's either insignificant or of little interest, or perhaps a bit of both. I can never understand what it is that makes me like this.

I'm getting too old. That's it. I'm going crazy because my life is getting near the expiry date, right?

Oh. Wait. I'm still seventeen. Could mean I've got a bit left to go. Never know. You know, I just realised, if I ever discussed this sort of thing outside of my head, people would think I was a complete and utter lunatic. Maybe they still have a good reason to anyway, since I'm discussing it with myself. This is horribly sad. I know I'm a disturbed child. But what can I do about it? I'm certainly not helping myself in any way – I don't think I'd know how.

"You honestly think way too much," Kaworu said lightly, putting his hands in his pockets and looking up at the sky. He looked oddly ethereal, standing like that, and I felt a cold shiver tingle my spine. He was doing that mind trick again. I knew now that it wasn't just me. There was something about him, something different.

"What's wrong with that?" I demanded in a voice involuntarily edged with accusation. Well, if we were going to be like this, on edge with each other, I might as well try to stop acting scared and shy around him and at least pretend that I had some measure of self-confidence, right?

"Thinking too much isn't good. You start getting strange ideas, plus you forget how to interact with other people. You start doubting yourself." Kaworu paused, his head tilted back. "It's best to just let life go as it does and accept it without analysing it too much."

I felt like yelling, and you would know? He was so – well, I tried to tell myself that he was a self righteous egotist but the problem was that he didn't come across as one and it seemed wrong to label him in that way. It didn't suit him. If I called him that he'd just laugh and neither of us would believe for a second that my accusations had any truth in them. I was confusing myself rapidly, and I had a feeling that Kaworu was both the cause and the encouragement for it. There was one easy solution to this, and that was to get as far away from Kaworu as I could. "Excuse me, I feel a little sick," I muttered hastily. Which wasn't necessarily a complete lie, either.

* * *

Props unlimited to soulfulzen. Dunno where I'd be without ya, dude.

There is a review button.


	2. raspberries::2::Sick days, dance dates

**raspberries**

"The school nurse tells me you said you felt nauseous," Misato commented halfway home. I didn't reply, just stared out the window at the passing scenery. After a moment I felt Misato look at me again and she frowned. "Talk to me, will you? You never get ill. Apparently you were dizzy, had a ringing in your ears, a churning stomach, and you were having difficulty seeing properly. What was that all about? Did you make it all up?"

I watched a little girl in a yellow dress waving a balloon at the cars as they flowed past the spot on the pavement where she was standing. She was going to lose it any moment, I swear. It was bobbing around in the breeze like – well, like a balloon in the breeze.

"Shinji, are you even listening to me?"

"Mmhm," I murmured, more interested in the group of people disembarking from the train. Especially a fat man who was having trouble travelling anywhere because every time he tried to move in one direction a swarm of people would move in the opposite direction, forcing him back.

"Well? Why?"

I sighed and faced her. "I told you. I felt nauseous. I might need to take a few days off."

"Oh no you won't. You're fine, Shinji, and I'll believe that you are ill only when I see definite, concrete proof."

"... Misato..."

"Don't Misato me. Stop dancing around. Why?" She drove the car to a halt as we reached the street on which our apartment was and looked me square in the eyes. I never realized how dark her eyes are. Maybe it was the lighting. Maybe because she was worried. Or maybe for some other reason unbeknownst to me. "Is it something at school? You're not skipping class because of assignments, are you?"

I shook my head.

"Well, then, what is it? Are you getting bullied?" Hmm. Odd. I'd never told Misato that I ever got bullied, and it only happened occasionally – even less when I entered high school – but Misato could always tell if it was bothering me. For one thing, usually I'd come home injured somehow, or with marks, or she'd somehow notice a difference in my attitude. I'm not sure how she does it. She must be more observant than I give her credit for.

"Did you have a fight with Toji or Kensuke?" she pressed. "What about that new kid, the one you brought home the other day?"

I just stared at the dashboard, unwilling to give an answer. Misato knows me better than I do. Something must have clued her in because she was quiet and nodded, saying softly to herself, "I see."

"Well, I'm sure you're overreacting," she concluded at length. "Now, let's get you inside and see if you really are sick."

I honestly wasn't feeling one hundred percent. It's true, I don't get sick very often, but maybe I'd caught a virus lately. It's conceivable. Anyway, Misato sat me down with a glass of water and a bowl of hot soup – from a packet, so I knew that it was safe to eat – and she offered me a jumper. "Feeling cold?" she inquired. I shook my head. "I'm fine." But, strangely enough, I was interrupted by a short hacking cough, which rather hurt my chest. Maybe I _was _actually ill.

"Here." She gave me a painkiller and a thermometer. A rectal thermometer. I looked at her. She sighed. "Look, swallow this first." And she popped the painkiller out of the capsule, dropping it in my palm. "Now go and take your temperature." I gave her a sceptical look. "I'm not doing it for you!" she exclaimed. I rolled my eyes and went to the bathroom to take my temperature. Why couldn't she have bought one of those ear thermometers? At least then I wouldn't have to sodomize myself every time I thought I was sick. Shinji, you sick hentai, stop thinking about Kaworu.

"Well?"

"39," I muttered. "Oh, you've got a fever, I'd say ..." Misato sounded a little surprised. I was too, myself – as I've already said, I don't get sick too often. Must be a bad bug going around.

"Go and have a lie down," she suggested. Normally I would have complained, but at this moment, a soft, warm bed in which I could just relax and fall asleep sounded like absolute bliss. My brain was even slower than usual and my eyes hurt. "Thanks," I managed to squeak out. My throat had become all blocked up, like with mucus. Damn virus. I could almost see hundreds of little germs dancing around in front of my eyes. She watched me with a worried face and called out, "I'll bring you a glass of ice water and extra blankets if you get hot or cold."

She really does look after me. She may seem slapdash and irresponsible but she really does care. I often think how lucky I am to have her. (Although more often than not I find myself thinking how _unlucky_ I am to have her.)

And I must have been a little delirious, because even the summer weather seemed very cold inside my room, and I slipped off to sleep within a few minutes.

**X**

There was a little boy standing in the corner; he could have been any age, from a young child to a teenager. Nobody knows why he stands there or what he does – he just talks sometimes, and listens mostly.

People don't often see him. He used to be seen but gradually, he just faded away, and even though he tried to keep a hold on things they slipped away.

And he grabs her by the front of her dress and accidentally spills raspberry ice cream on her. It was an accident, but the stains won't come out. Stains are so hard to get rid of. It's all over his white shoes too. You can't even wash shoes. You have to wipe them, and there's no way that raspberry that deep will come off by wiping it. The red is swirling and rushing forwards, and it spirals around to create a big, dark, foul tunnel of red, moist and sticky. It's almost black, it's so dark, and it's difficult to see.

But even the dark ignores him, and it's as if he doesn't even exist. Even the dark redness of raspberry ignores him and although the silence is hurting him, stabbing him like a knife, he can't tell anybody. Nobody will listen. Nobody ever even notices him. He's alone. All alone, and there is nothing.

Nothing. "Shinji!"

I woke with a start, sharp and detrimental, jerking from my slumber like a fish from the water with a hook through the roof of its mouth. I was soaking, my bed drenched in sweat, my sheets were on the floor next to me and my clothes were twisted around me so tightly that my joints felt numb. My eyes snapped open and I saw Misato kneeling over me with a wet facecloth. "Wha – what are you doing?" My mouth felt dry and it was disgusting to speak. My throat was dry too and I practically snatched the glass of water she offered to me and downed it with one greedy gulp. "You've got a fever," she said in an exasperated tone, wiping my face and forehead with the wonderfully cool cloth. "You must be delirious. You were yelling."

Now, Misato's noticed this several times before. She knows that I'm prone to disturbed sleeping. I have fits and screaming episodes in the middle of the night often, and when I'm only half awake I think she probably comes in with a drink and sits me in her lap, soothing me until I drop back into a troubled sleep. But the way she said it, it was as if I slept normally most of the time. Oddly enough, I appreciated it. I didn't really want to hear her say something like, "You were screaming and thrashing _again_," because that was what really did happen, and she knew it, and I knew it. But I was grateful that she chose to treat this time as an effect of my illness. I didn't like to be reminded that it was a habitual occurrence.

"You really are sick, aren't you? I wonder how it happened. It must have been something awfully strong to get to you." She made it sound as if I were invincible – it was almost laughable. I wish. "You'd better not go back to school tomorrow."

No, I didn't really want to either. "But I think if you get up for a walk and some fresh air, maybe just sit out on the balcony, it might do you some good." I was feeling rather hazy so I obeyed her and went out to the balcony in my shorts and left my shirt open. I was so hot – it was odd, as just before I'd slept, I'd felt very cold. "I must have a temperature," I mumbled, still feeling dreary.

Sitting on the floor against the balcony wall, I did wonder briefly if Kaworu had anything to do with it. He probably did. I mean, it wasn't like I believed that he'd cast a curse on me or anything, but that situation with Kaworu while we were pinning up the posters certainly was rather awkward. It shouldn't have caused me become this sick, though. Maybe it was just a freak coincidence. Caused by worry or stress. Yeah, Kaworu was definitely causing me stress, which wouldn't help ...

"Wow, hey Misato, how's it going? Hey, is Shinji home?" I heard Kensuke's voice faintly. No, please, I silently prayed. I really don't feel like facing him now. Please don't let him in. Say I'm sick. I'm resting in bed. In the bath. Anything.

"Hey, Shin!" Kensuke's head passed through the balcony door and I cursed Misato for being good-natured enough to let my friend pay me a visit to cheer me up. "I heard you left school because you were sick. That true?"

I stared up at him. I must have looked quite a mess – my hair was tousled and sweat streaked, my clothes crumpled and half hanging off me, my eyes droopy and dark ... great, he was going to get all this on camera, too.

But when I looked up I was surprised to see Kensuke in his school uniform, hands empty and a somewhat reserved (not to say unusual) expression on his face. His eyes widened slightly. "Wow, you look like something the cat dragged in, and the dog wouldn't eat." I became queasy at the picture that formed in my mind. Thanks, Kensuke. He sat down next to me. "School just finished. Kaworu told me that you rushed off suddenly to the nurse. He was a bit upset, I gotta say. Said something about being blind to the fact that you were feeling unwell."

Well, he would be upset, considering that he made me feel sick what with all those questions and the freaky philosophical stuff and the mind reading and everything – really, Kaworu was just bad news in a package.

A very nice package.

But that was beside the point. The point was that I really didn't want to think about Kaworu now. I just wanted to get better, honestly, that's how bad I was feeling. My stomach was churning and my head was spinning a bit. Kensuke was quiet. He seemed awfully understanding and patient today. I couldn't figure it out. Maybe he was just trying to be nice because I was sick?

"Well, if you see him ... tell him I say hi. And tell him not to worry or be upset or anything," I said quietly. A cough sputtered out of my chest and I hunched over, covering my mouth fiercely so that the germs and stuff wouldn't go anywhere near Kensuke. "Where's Toji?" I wheezed.

Kensuke gave me a heavy pat on the back, helping the coughs to subside. "Ah, that's interesting. He went to say something to Hikari. I'm not sure what."

I allowed myself a small smile. In a strange way, I did sort of want Toji to stop being so defensive and just accept that he liked Hikari just as much as she liked him. Kensuke was looking at me strangely, and I snapped out of my daze, which was rapidly leading into a delirious daze. (Which would have most likely led me straight into a painful sleep, miserable and sick, the way I was.)

I gave him a questioning look. "Shin..." Kensuke blushed, and then he scratched his head, added, "Oh, what the hell..." then he looked at me and asked boldly, "Shinji, do you like Kaworu?"

I frowned. "I guess. He's ... a bit arrogant ..." I had to lie about it, but I couldn't think of the right word to call him. 'Sexy' wouldn't have been a good choice in front of Kensuke. "Why?"

"I didn't mean that sort of like – oh, I just thought perhaps you ... well, I noticed."

"Noticed? Such as?"

He shrugged embarrassedly. "Well, you always stare at him, you try to spend most of your time with him, you flush when he touches you..."

Well I was flushing now, that was for sure. _Kensuke_, of all people, noticing!

"It's okay. I think he likes you too. You aren't exactly ugly, Shinji."

"What?"

Ken looked even more embarrassed and shrugged again, as a habit of nervousness. "Well, it's true. Even I see that. And the girls like you. They just think you're a bit weird, and a bit of a loner. But some of them say things ..."

I didn't really want to hear anymore. I hadn't expected Kensuke to come over and start telling me he thought I was pretty. I would have rather gone without knowing. Another thing to add to my list of worries.

"Ah, well, get better soon, Shin. I want you back at school, y'know. And I'll tell Kaworu you said hi and all ..." he stood up, glancing at my bare torso with a faint flicker of worry. "Oh, by the way, have you been eating? You've lost weight."

My cheeks flushed and I self-consciously drew my shirt shut and nodded. "It's just the sickness."

"I see." He nodded. "I'll come back tomorrow ..." he slid the door shut, waving goodbye from behind the glass.

Which left me to contemplate Kensuke's sudden maturity – which was rather scary, I might say – and his sudden concern ... was he finally growing up? Kaworu seemed to be having big effects on all of us. Me getting sick, Kensuke growing up, Toji talking to Hikari without a trace of spite ...

"Okay?" Misato came out with a glass of cold water and I drank it eagerly, throat dry and scratchy. I nodded. "He didn't bring homework, did he? I was afraid that you were going to get work, and then you'd stress, and the more you stress the longer you'll take to get better ..."

I shook my head. "It's okay. He just came to say hi."

She just sat with me for a while, staring out at the sky and sipping her own drink. It was almost otherworldly; the quietness of the apartments, the sky above us with wisps of cloud and the sun a little greyish, the air shimmery with humidity. The sounds of traffic floated up in an echo and it was all somehow so nostalgic – it gave me a very odd feeling.

It was peaceful, but there was an edge to it that suggested something I'd forgotten long ago that was trying to be present in the subtlest things around me. The corners of the windows, the colour of the shadows beneath my feet, the way Misato's hair blew very gently in the breeze ...

Even though I was sick it was relaxing out here. I almost had forgotten the stinging eyes and sore throat.

After some time my drink was gone and Misato glanced down, offering, "Do you want to come inside and have a very light dinner?"

I was feeling rather hungry, and it would have been nice to have something, so I nodded. "Just something light." I didn't think my churning stomach could handle much food. Especially not all at once. I rubbed my stomach absentmindedly and sighed – sadly, my muscles were now well defined, but more from lack of stuff covering them than doing any working out. Never mind. I wasn't one of those gym junkies like some of the guys at school who worked out every day just to get buff. I just wanted to put on a bit of weight so I wasn't a 'weed' as Toji had put it so tactfully. Even Ken had noticed – and he'd commented too, which led me to believe that if even Ken had noticed ...

"Here." Wow, everybody was just full of surprises today. Misato had heated up some pasta for me and made a light salad, and it was very nice. I think my stomach was quite pleased. All in all, I felt full after the meal, and oddly satisfied. It was strange ... my life right now was at the pits, seeing as I had just fallen out with Kaworu and on top of that I was sick, but somehow I just felt ... content. Like everything was going to be okay and I was happy with life the way it was. There wasn't even anything particularly good, or even encouraging, but I simply felt quite happy anyway. It was almost like my life was starting to pace itself out and I could just relax, and even the past was slowly fading, and I found that it didn't hurt me so much to look back.

Maybe it was just the deliriousness of the illness I had.

I wasn't pressured to fulfil other people's expectations – on the contrary, since my standing up to Kaworu, if it could be called that, I realized that I could set my own standards and not always play by somebody else's rules. I had an incredible feeling of freedom. But yet ... there was a heavy weight on my shoulders from the knowledge that Kaworu had allowed me to cut myself off so easily. Didn't he even want to remain friends? Or was I just overreacting? It was so hard to know, it could have been a combination of both, or he could have taken my words to have a different meaning and assume that we _were_ still good friends – after all, the only thing that I'd really said was to stop the questions. Not really much of a reason for our friendship to stop, there.

Kaworu probably did see things in a different light. He was different, after all. How many people had ruby red eyes that seductive? And when he's sweaty, he's even more beautiful ... I'm nearly eighteen. I shouldn't need to be thinking about these things. My mouth went dry. It was difficult – sure, I'd never taken particular notice of any girls or boys before – but Kaworu was a completely different story altogether. His voice was so enticing, and his funny smile with that quirk in his lips ...

Stop it, Shinji! You don't need another shower. That was another strange thing. Being seventeen, it was obvious that by now I would have done something about my lower half quite a few times, but before I met Kaworu I never really cared where I was as long as I didn't get caught. But now, I'll only let myself do anything in the shower – it feels so dirty otherwise, and I only do it if I'm sure I can get clean afterwards. As I said before, it's ironic how something like that in the shower will make you feel dirty and clean at the same time.

"Going for a bath?" Misato peered at me. "You're all pasty and you look deep in thought. Off in la-la land?"

Might as well take a bath. Too bad if Kaworu's given me enough imagery for a wet dream tonight. Fuck him.

... Great going, Shinji.

**X**

I didn't go back to school until two days later. Kensuke came to visit me every day and Toji came after that too. Kaworu didn't come. I was disappointed on the inside but I tried to fool everybody else, including myself, into thinking the opposite.

"You sure you're feeling okay?" Kensuke hissed for what must have been the tenth time in the last three minutes, when the teacher's back was turned. I sighed. "Yes, Kensuke. I'm all better now, thank you."

"Kensuke! Please give us an example!" the teacher yelled.

Kensuke shot bolt upright, stammered some illegitimate nonsense and proceeded to give a mumbled slur of an answer.

The teacher sighed. "Yes, Kensuke, very good. I shall never fail to wonder how you can succeed although you never seem to be awake or paying attention in class."

"I'm just talented, miss." He grinned sheepishly.

I took this opportunity to glance at Kaworu. He was just gazing somewhere into space next to the teacher, his chin in his hand and a faint smile on his lips. He hadn't paid any attention to me whatsoever since I'd come back – then again, it was only first class I guess ...

But by the time recess came I had realized with a rude awakening that Kaworu _was _ignoring me, and to make matters worse, I was feeling the sting. I hadn't expected to be upset by a lack of attention from Kaworu.

... okay, fine, I had, but the point is that he knew I was disappointed that he wasn't paying attention to me. I didn't know what to do. Would he ignore me throughout recess, too? I didn't even know if I wanted to talk to him – well, I wanted to hear him speaking, but ... well, I just didn't want him to continually bring up matters that had bad connotations to my childhood. I didn't like the awkwardness that always made itself present during conversations with him. Was it a coincidence that almost everything he said seemed to relate back to _that_? I didn't think so. He knew I had a painful past somehow ... what I couldn't figure out was why he seemed so interested in it, so persistent in getting it out of me.

But this time, fate didn't leave the choice up to me. I didn't get a chance to decide whether I should talk to him or not because as chance had it, he spoke to me first.

I should have guessed.

"Feeling better, Shinji?"

"Yeah. I just – I think I just had a bad flu or something."

"I was worried about you."

There was a silence. Damnit, where were Kensuke and Toji? Why did they always have to leave me alone with this weird ... scary ... freaky ... mesmerizing god ...

I was losing it. Yep, I was definitely losing it.

I fiddled with the bottom of my shirt, not knowing what to say. I wanted to ask him questions, but I was afraid that he either wouldn't answer them and would be angry, or that he'd simply reply with questions of his own, which was the most likely thing to happen.

"Are you doing anything after school?"

I shook my head. I did have homework but I really didn't feel like doing it. It could wait. I had to catch up on three whole days of missed work, and I wanted to put it off for as long as I possibly could ...

"Why don't we go for a walk or something then?"

What the? What a strange invitation ... almost sounded like a date ... whoa, Shinji, let's not go nuts! Everything related to Kaworu always has to take on a different meaning lately, doesn't it? Why can't you just accept him as a new, _normal _friend?

Well, that would be because a) he isn't normal and b) I'm not sure that a 'friendship' being what it is, would work out so well.

Lost for an answer, I simply nodded. What was the worst thing that could happen? He wouldn't ask me personal questions again after my little outburst, I was sure, and to be honest, going for a walk with Kaworu anywhere sounded great to me.

Jesus, what sort of an idiot am I? I'm crazy about Kaworu, it's obvious. But then, I try to make myself dislike him – I'm trying to push him away again. Just accept it, Shinji. You like him. No! I won't have it! I can't accept that, because he reminds me too much of before. Everything he says seems to take me back. I don't want to, I can't. But then again, Kaworu is so ...

I am so confused.

"Oh, good. I'll show you a lovely place I found when I first moved here."

_'What was the worst thing that could happen?' _Plenty of things could happen! Oh, Shin, you're hopeless; what have you got yourself into now?

I knew that berating myself wasn't going to help but nonetheless I had to rant and rave at somebody, and let's face it, everyone already thought I was crazy enough without me holding a debate with myself about going for a walk with a 'friend'.

Well, at least one problem was solved. I took it that Kaworu wasn't going to ignore me – hey, wait! He'd known that I missed his attention ... he just did that so I'd get desperate and agree to go for a walk with him because I wanted his company so much!

I hit myself in the head, muttering out loud, "You are _such_ an _idiot_, Shinji!"

Kaworu jumped up, alarmed. "Shinji, what are you doing?"

I glanced up. "Um ... well, just kicking myself for ... remembering how much homework I have ..." It was feeble, I know, but I probably would have said that truthfully in a different situation anyway. I'm not very interesting, or original. Besides, he believed it.

He frowned. "Don't hit your head. You might hurt yourself."

I grinned weakly. "Yeah, I guess." His face relaxed into a smile again. Goddamn, does he _know_ what that smile does to me?

"Smile more often. You look amazing." No, that wasn't from me. That was from Kaworu.

From Kaworu?

I turned bright red and managed to stammer out a barely intelligible, "Thanks."

Just then Kensuke appeared and I hurriedly put my chin in my hands to hide the blush. No way I wanted him filming that. "Where were you?" I demanded. Kensuke grinned. "The surfing class just came back."

Kaworu looked confused but I just gave Kensuke a somewhat bored and unimpressed gaze. "Nice, Kensuke. Nice." No doubt he'd sneaked himself some more footage of girls in swimming outfits or something. His excuse was that he was practicing angles and things, but I wasn't _that _shallow. He shrugged and sighed, "Ah, Shinji, I fear that you will never appreciate the finer points of filming."

"I fear that you will never realise the depravity of perverts," I muttered under my breath. "Where's Toji?"

"Detention. Yesterday during lunch he beat another kid up."

"Why?"

Kensuke shrugged again. "Guess he was angry."

There was another silence, and I became horribly aware that the girls behind us were talking rather loudly about the health benefits of sex, and they weren't being subtle about it at all. "It says here that sex helps you burn off calories, and it stretches and tones just about every muscle in your body!" "Wait, look, it also relieves depression, insomnia and stress!" Ironically, I suffer from all three conditions, and I get laid very little.

The idle chatter went on and I hastily blurted out, "So, what are you doing after school today, Kensuke?" He looked a little startled – I got the feeling that he'd been concentrating on what the girls were saying. "Hmm? Me? Oh, nothing really. I've got to go and see a cadet force for an application ..."

"Kensuke! This came from one of your teachers," Hikari came over and slammed an assignment that had been marked on the desk. She seemed angry. Kensuke had noticed too but he isn't known for his tact nor subtlety. "Wow, what's wrong, class rep?" She grunted. "Nothing."

Kensuke gave her a weird look. "If you say so." He obviously thought that it was apparent that she was lying.

She gave a short, "Hrmph!" and stormed off. Kensuke watched her as she left then suddenly clicked his fingers. "I bet it's because Toji got a detention!"

Kaworu, who had been watching the whole exchange with a mild, laid-back expression, now crossed his arms and tilted his head up. "It's funny, their relationship, isn't it? They like each other, yet they pretend to hate each other."

Hah. Sounds like a mutual version of our own relationship, doesn't it, Kaworu? Except Kaworu didn't 'like' me and he didn'tpretend to hate me. I suppose that compensated itself, really. He didn't like me but he didn't hate me. I could live with that. Now if only I could figure out myself. I like him – I can't really deny that. But he's so perfect, and I'm really not good enough for him, not to mention that I'm afraid of getting close to people ... If only I weren't such a coward I could get to know him better.

"They should get to know each other better," Kaworu said in an off-hand manner. I glared at him – he was doing that freaky psychic thing again. I knew he could do it, he knew that I knew; it went on and on. But the point was that he did it on purpose to annoy me. Couldn't he just stay out of my head for one moment?

Which got me thinking. Did that mean that he could read my mind all the time?

I was already blushing red, but by this stage I was so red it must have appeared that I'd burst a blood vessel – Jesus, what if he knew what I thought about him? If he could see into my mind all the time, then ... I snuck a glance at him. He still wasn't looking at me, and was talking with Kensuke. Perhaps he couldn't see into my head all the time. I sure hoped so.

There were only a few minutes left until we had to go back to class so I was a little surprised when Toji strolled in the door anyway, looking casually satisfied.

"Toji!" Hikari ran up to him, but stopped herself awkwardly. "Why did you beat that student up?" she resorted to her usual scolding. Toji just shrugged. "I was feeling pissed at him." Hikari pouted slightly and shook her head. "Be nice, okay?" Kensuke whistled when she was out of hearing range. "Is it just me or is she getting really cute lately?"

Toji scowled. "Who cares? She's so nosy." But Kensuke was right – somehow, Hikari was becoming very pretty, and maybe it was just me (after all, since Kaworu was here a lot of weird things were happening to me) but her bossiness wasn't so annoying these days. It was more ... cute. In a way.

"Great timing anyway, Toji! Just in time for class!" Kensuke said brightly as the bell went. I looked at Kaworu again, still worried about the mind reading thing. But there was no response and I flopped back in my chair, disappointed and nervous.

**X**

I didn't know how I could have let myself wind up here, walking along the beach with Kaworu. Things were weird enough as it was. Everything in the past week seemed like such a dream – I'd changed so much already. Everybody had. I didn't even know myself anymore. I was having serious thoughts about my childhood, and somehow I could make myself see it again without instantly shutting a black curtain over the whole lot.

I looked out to the sea and sighed. Everything was so different. Kaworu's hand slipped inside mine suddenly and I looked at him, alarmed. Kaworu was looking at me in that eerie way again. This was getting more romantic, so to speak, than it needed to be.

It spooks me so much, those red eyes. Like they're alive of their own accord. I can almost see fire dancing in them. I blinked and tried to ignore the obscure thoughts.

"You've been through a lot," Kaworu said as if he'd been reading my thoughts. "You must be very brave."

I shrugged, at the same time attempting to pull my hand away without success (seeing as I wasn't _really _trying, it was no wonder). Here we go again. He knows exactly what happened to me. Why does it matter? How does he know?

"Don't you get scared? Or hurt? The damage to your mind and heart would be too much."

More than you can imagine, I answered silently.

"You must feel the need to talk to somebody about your problems. Don't you get lonely?"

Kaworu was correct – sometimes, I feel like I'm decaying from the inside. All the weight and responsibilities become too much – so many times, I just want to scream and let it all leak out. All the pain and so much more that had scarred me ... and even though I tried to make myself oblivious to it, it was always there.

I didn't say anything, but looked away and took my hand away from Kaworu's. "The human heart is a very fragile thing. Don't you think so?" His voice was soft and had a distant tone to it and he could almost be talking to himself. He stepped in front of me and looked at the horizon, the wind blowing his hair into his face. "Your heart needs somebody to care for it." He turned, right in front of me and I stared at him, unable to take my gaze from Kaworu's dark unblinking eyes. Jesus Christ, he's so beautiful ...

Kaworu stepped forward slowly and closed his eyes, soft lips covering mine in a soft, warm kiss. What the _fuck_? My eyes widened and I pulled away, alarmed. But Kaworu just smiled at me, indifferent. "A heart needs love."

I turned bright red. How was I supposed to react to that? My heart was hammering and my temperature had suddenly shot up. My fist clenched and I cursed myself for being _stupid _enough to go anywhere with Kaworu. The centre of my half pull, half push conflict where I didn't know what was up, what was down, if I wanted him, if I hated him. Great. Did he do that on purpose just to further scramble my brains or something? To make my head explode for fun?

I found myself stuttering, "Uh, don't – I don't –you – I – I, well, why – " But it was obvious that I didn't have the faintest clue where to start. And to make things worse I couldn't even understand why he had done it, unless it was some nasty sadistic trick to see how far he could push my poor brain before it exploded beyond repair.

"Did you like that?" Kaworu asked simply.

I shut my mouth and stopped the stuttering. After a moment, without even knowing I'd said it until I had said it, I replied, "Yes."

Kaworu nodded thoughtfully.

I put my hands on my hips, suddenly realising what I'd just said, and stammered, "What – what was THAT all about?"

He brushed his hair out of his eyes unconsciously. "You need love."

That's it. I have had enough. I already told him to stop the freaky questions. Now he's giving me freaky answers.

"Kaworu, tell me how you know things," I demanded, hands on hips. "Can you read my mind all the time?"

Did you read it when I was in the shower? How about now?

"I can only sense vague thoughts in a haze if the person is close to me. If you stand more than a few steps away I won't get anything."

Thank the lord for that. I didn't want Kaworu to know I was thinking of his hot, wet mouth when I came in the shower.

But what about when Kaworu _is_ close enough to read my thoughts? If he's that close, it's also close enough to invoke my emotions, meaning that anything he 'reads' is most likely inappropriate ...

Why is this so hard?

"I like you, Shinji," he said suddenly. "I want to help you. I feel that you're hurt." The light was reflecting off his red eyes giving him an ethereal look and I stared again, mesmerised. He chuckled softly and took my chin very softly between his finger and thumb, and I didn't pull away. "You're so pretty ..."

That's not the first time I've been called pretty. But it's the first time that I _don't _have to wonder about whether it's meant as a compliment. I didn't pull away; I couldn't. His eyes were hypnotising me.

"Tell me about your family," he whispered. At that, I did pull away. "No," I said in a trembling voice. "Please stop bringing it up."

He glanced at the ocean. "You can't hide from it forever. You have to face it. Or you'll never be able to get on with your life."

I know that. I just keep telling myself that tomorrow will be the time when I really look into it. And it's never tomorrow, you know? It's always today ... He's just trying to sidetrack me again. He just used that scene to open up a new opportunity to ask me again! Why? He didn't even mean it or anything ... a warm tear slid slowly down my cheek but I ignored it. So what if I'd just been disappointed and hurt again? So what if I knew that Kaworu, the one person I liked and thought I could actually trust, was just toying with me and mocking me?

"Why don't you want to talk about it?"

"Why do you want to know so desperately?" I bit back. He continued staring at the ocean but replied, "Are you just going to keep it to yourself forever? Don't you even want to share it with another person? Shinji, you can't remain afraid forever."

My chest contracted with a sob but I held it in, too proud to let Kaworu see. He could play with me, push me over, leave me to rot away, but I wouldn't give him the pleasure of seeing me cry. He didn't have _that_ much power over me.

Neither of us moved for a long time and I think we just stood there in the faint afternoon sun until it began to become dark and the wind became a little chillier. At any rate, I just stood there stubbornly, too proud to walk away yet too embarrassed to actually say anything. The sound of the waves washing up against the rocks was cleansing, to me, and I just listened to it, doing nothing else, my eyes hooded and shoulders hunched.

_"I like you, Shinji. I want to help you."_

He was just playing me. I knew it. He hadn't meant it. He didn't mean anything. He was just like everybody else. Insignificant. Meaningless. Empty.

He didn't care. I had been an idiot to fall for him from the first. Why had I fallen for him? Because of his good looks? Was I that shallow? He wasn't anything special ... he was just ordinary ... well, _that _didn't work. I knew that wasn't true at all. But I still had another argument. He was only pretending to like me, because he wanted to hurt me like everybody else ...

But he's not that sort of person, somebody whispered inside me. Is he?

I don't know, I answered silently. I don't know him at all. He could be, for all I know. I don't know anything about him.

You know that he's kind, and sweet, and tactful, and he knows the right things to say, and he knows the right times to smile at you, and he even tries to help you.

It's all pretend! It's only a pretence, to –

But why would he want to hurt you? What will he gain? What point is there?

I could ask the same things of my father, I snapped back to this non-existent voice.

There was silence.

It was quite dark and there were no people on the beach, which was unusual. Normally people came out here at this time to go for a walk, or a jog, or to have a swim or surf. Kaworu had something to do with it, I guessed. He seemed to have strange abilities to manipulate things to happen in a way just as he liked.

The hair on the back of my neck prickled and quite suddenly I became afraid. Just like that. It wasn't the 'afraid of getting hurt' or 'afraid of opening up' – just afraid in my gut, like that feeling you get when you stand at the edge of a forest, all alone, with your back to it, and every nerve in your body tells you to run because something is going to come up behind you and you can't see it. It was that sort of scared. I didn't know what caused it, or what exactly I was afraid of, but I definitely knew that right now, I did not want to be here, with the beach deserted, especially at this time of night. The urge to cling to Kaworu's arm and be comforted by him was almost sickening, but I didn't move a muscle. I refused to. I wouldn't give in.

I couldn't move as it were anyway, because had I moved, I would have felt awkward and cowardly. Kaworu had just wanted to go for a walk, and I'd turned it into a melodrama.

Maybe you need to look at yourself, Shinji, that voice hissed again. This time, I didn't have an answer.

"Shinji, come to the dance with me," Kaworu said suddenly, turning around again but not moving closer. I blinked. What do I say now? He's just making fun of me ... I'm sure ... but why would he waste his time asking me things like that if all he wanted to do was mock me?

"Are you already going with somebody else?"

"I – well, I hadn't really thought about it, but no ..." Well, there wasn't much else to do. If I was really honest with myself, the only person I wanted to go with was Kaworu anyway.

"You don't have to. I'll understand if you say no."

"I'll go," I shrugged, surprising myself. Might as well, right? I half expected him to smile again but he just nodded and murmured, "Thanks."

Afterwards, when I thought about it, perhaps I _had _overreacted. There must have been plenty of desirable girls that Kaworu could have asked who would have gladly gone with him, but if he'd asked me first – perhaps another girl turned him down and I was his last reserve.

Perhaps I was looking further into the matter than I needed to.

But the frightened feeling disappeared and I felt quite comfortable just standing there, not afraid of anything anymore.

"It's getting cold. You're still not completely recovered. Go home and rest," Kaworu demanded. I was taken aback by his unusually authoritative tone, but then again, Kaworu can be a little bossy sometimes. Usually it's only if he wants somebody to do something for their own benefit, not his. He's like that.

I nodded. "See you later , Kaworu."

**X**

"So, you're going with Kaworu?" Kensuke mused. He'd finally managed to worm it out of me – well, rather, he'd asked sneaky questions while I was preoccupied with something else and could give only innocently mindless honest answers, and then pieced together the puzzle himself.

"Who are you taking?"

"Hmm? I'm not taking anybody. I've been asked to film the whole thing," he announced proudly. I raised an eyebrow. "But – don't you want to go to the actual dance?"

He shrugged. "Doesn't bother me. I don't know any of the girls well enough." Toji just rolled his eyes at this and commented, "Kensuke's head is so far up his own asshole it surprises me he can see where he's going," but then he looked around, leant in very close, and whispered right in my ear, "Shinji, tell me something." I looked at him, alarmed, but he just lowered his voice even further and then murmured, "Is Kaworu a virgin?"

My eyes shot wide open and I jerked away from him. "Why?" I demanded. "Who's asking?" I glanced around nervously – Kaworu had gone to the bathroom, thankfully.

Kensuke looked fidgety. "We-e-ell ... I heard from some girl that apparently at his old school he's got a bit of a reputation for sleeping around."

So he does like girls. "With boys," Kensuke added as an afterthought. At this my eyebrows went even further up and I just stared at Kensuke, open-mouthed. Toji looked sheepish. "Sorry, but Kensuke told me, and it just didn't seem credible – I mean, he doesn't seem that sort of guy."

Toji had that right. But I didn't see that it mattered – after all, it didn't affect any of us, and it didn't change the fact that he was still Kaworu. I shrugged. "Who knows? Rumours get around a lot these days. I bet it's a total lie. Anyway, Toji, what about you?" Toji looked blank. "Don't play dumb, Toji. The dance?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah, I'm going."

"..." Kensuke looked exasperated. "With who?" Toji shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

"What about class rep?"

"She's going with another guy. Seems they've all developed a liking for her." Toji sounded careless but I could guess that he was a lot more upset than he was letting on.

"She's a hot item now – if Toji doesn't move in soon she'll be gone ..." Kensuke muttered under his breath to me and I couldn't help thinking how much their relationship was like the one between Kaworu and I. There was an awkward balance of like and dislike, and neither wanted to admit the truth. Never mind good feelings – I knew that Kaworu wasn't going to admit the truth about why he was pushing matters. Maybe if I watched Toji and Hikari resolve their problems, I'd get more of an idea on how to best solve my own. Somehow I doubted it. We had a different relationship to them. But I still hadn't figured out what Kaworu wanted from me – and I still hadn't figured out why I was so afraid of telling him. I knew he wasn't going to hurt me. I even felt maybe I could trust Kaworu. So if I was that confident, why couldn't I bring myself to tell him the truth?

Kensuke mumbled, "I have to go to the principal," and flushed red, explaining, "I accidentally filmed him through a window looking at his hair – or lack thereof – in a mirror, and he happened to see me ..." He slowly crawled away and I suddenly remembered that Toji had been at detention the previous day. And I still hadn't found out exactly why. I glanced around, and then asked him, "Toji, why did you beat that kid up?" I had to know. I was curious. Toji never got so angry that he performed random acts of mindless violence. "When I was gone? Did you really send a guy to hospital?"

"Fuck him. He deserved it, " Toji growled and I noticed his fist clench.

"What exactly did he say?" I asked, unable to help myself. Toji had said that he'd just been pissed off but I had a feeling there was more to it than that.

"He was just being a dipshit," muttered Toji.

"Toji, he was in hospital for a week! You broke his nose and fractured his arm, and you kneed him in the balls!"

Toji snorted with amusement. "I did, didn't I? Well ... he deserved it. His friend, too. That Hasumi kid had better watch out. If he follows in his friend's footsteps he'll be next."

"What did he say?"

Toji shrugged. "They were just bitching about people. Being crude."

"Who?" I pressed. Toji was never this violent. Sure, he was hot-headed and aggressive, but usually he knew when to stop. Something had to be seriously bothering him.

He looked at me incredulously. "Since when did you become so inquisitive, Shinji? Finally decided to come out of your shell?" He then looked up at the ceiling. "They were complaining about Hikari. Said she was so bossy that they needed to teach her a lesson. I thought I'd better teach them a lesson first."

I absorbed this slowly. I was beginning to see Toji's motive. He must have been really angry about what they said. Why didn't he just admit to himself that he really did like Hikari?

"Anyway ... I'm not sad that I did it, either. If I had a choice I'd do it all over again, and I'd do more than bruise him." I winced. "Who's taking her to the dance?"

"Some guy from the kendo club." He let out a breath. "She'll be okay with him. He's a goody two shoes. Teacher's pet and all."

"Why didn't you ask her first?"

Toji eyed me. "I could ask you the same thing about Kaworu."

Christ, was _everyone_ exploiting my relationship with Kaworu now? I hadn't even thought it was obvious ... after all, the rest of the class just saw us as friends, I was sure ... I blushed and replied hastily, "I didn't think I was going."

"But you wanted to go with Kaworu." Toji leant a little closer. "Shinji, don't listen to Kensuke. All that stuff he heard about Kaworu was bullshit, I'm sure."

"Yeah. Of course," I said matter-of-factly, glad that Toji could at least give me some support. "Let's stop hanging to the wall like this. Teachers might think you're up to no good again if they find you lazing around out here."

**X**

I shouldn't have told Misato about the dance. Honestly. I shouldn't have. As soon as she heard about it she squealed and grabbed my face forcefully with both hands, kissed me, then started dancing around the house singing about how I was growing up. I watched it all with a somewhat worried feeling, but when she asked me who I was taking I just shrugged. "Just finding a partner."

Misato, of course, saw right through me (damnit, how does she know me so well?) and exclaimed excitedly, "Ooh, I bet it's your sexy new friend, right?"

" ..." What? Misato was scaring me so badly ...

"Kaworu, right?" I could have sworn she was going to make some comment about that time when she walked in on us – doing _nothing_ I might add – but to my utter relief she didn't. She just giggled. "You two are going to make such a cute couple!" Now, this sounds horrible, I know, but Misato is a shounen-ai fan. She keeps high school boy love comics under her pillow and sighs over them at night-time. On particularly bad days she even makes me read them too. I'll never understand why she finds boy relationships so fascinating. I mean, Kaworu is a different matter. It's hard not to be fascinated by him. But I should never have brought him home – knowing Misato to be the shounen-ai addict she is, she'd be spying on us, nagging me to kiss him (which was initiated by _him_, in all truth) and only god knows what else. So you can see why I was reluctant to tell her anything. I just shrugged when she asked me.

"Awwww ... my Shinji's growing up ..." She sniffed and I rolled my eyes. _Please_, enough already ... "He's got a boyfriend already ..."

"Whaaa…?" My eyes widened and I stared at her. "This calls for a special celebration dinner!" she exclaimed, completely ignoring me. "Let's go out to a restaurant tonight."

"Misato, I have school tomorrow." And I don't have a boyfriend.

"So? It's okay! We'll just get home early."

Misato can be really impulsive. So before I knew it we were sitting at a table in the nearest Italian restaurant around. Misato loves pasta.

"So did you ask him or did he ask you?" This caused a rather deep blush to spread across my cheeks. Why did she have to continually rub it in? I shouldn't have told her about anything. Ever. I would have been better by myself, without telling her. I just shrugged. "He just asked me if I was going and I said probably not. " She nodded meditatively. "Shinji, I think he's a nice boy. You should get to know him." It sounded like she was giving me permission for something. Maybe she was.

What for?

I just concentrated on my food and managed to get through the night without much conversation. Like usual. I'm terrible – poor Misato must think I'm terribly boring or slow or something. She deserves somebody better than me. Why did she ever agree to look after an idiot like me, who can't do anything right? I felt rather guilty at this, so as we were re-entering the apartment I said softly, "Thanks, Misato."

"For what? Dinner?" She looked at me, amused.

"For everything."

She stopped and cocked her head slightly. After a pause she said thoughtfully, "You're welcome." Just that small phrase was enough to reassure me.

After I got inside I realised I was going to have to get around to the huge pile of homework that had built up during my absence. It was awful – I was actually worried about it. How can you not be, with so much there? The concept is almost mind-blowing – you just suddenly are overwhelmed by the amazing amount of work to do. I doubt schoolwork in excessive amounts ever actually helps – all it does is create stress and worry. But I had to do it, so I bid Misato good night and settled down to do it.

Unfortunately I just couldn't stop thinking about Kaworu. It was terrible. The way his hair blew in the wind, his fresh smooth skin and red, red eyes ... What am I, gay?

... maybe I shouldn't joke so much about that.

But that got me thinking. Did I seriously like Kaworu that much? Even if so, why? There was just something weird about him – the way he was almost unreal, sort of out of his body all the time, as if his mind really were somewhere else. And if it had been anybody else asking me about my past, my memories, the rips in my heart – if it had been anybody else I would instantly have cut myself off from that person. Somehow, I just hadn't been able to do that to Kaworu. There had been something about him that stopped me from doing that. Even though it hurt me whenever he brought it up – and being around Kaworu anyway seemed to remind me painfully of it – I couldn't find the right excuse to push him out of my life. Maybe I'd finally realized that I needed a friend.

No.

Come on, in all reality, Shinji did not have friends. Who wanted to be friends with him anyway? Shinji was a loser, an introvert, a weird, disturbed kid who was best left on his own.

Then why did Kaworu insist on butting into my life all the time? I still couldn't figure out what he wanted. I still had my theory about him doing it as a cruel joke just to lead me on, but by now I pretty much doubted that. It didn't seem like that. He was genuinely interested in me, although why, I had no idea.

He was so kind. Not like everyone else. He'd actually made an effort to get to know me, to get past those barriers that were intended to keep people out. He was nice to me ...

The phone ringing in the background reminded me that I did have to work, reluctant as I was. Stupid rubbish ... didn't even make sense and was never going to help me anyway ...

Misato still hadn't picked up the phone and I sighed, sliding open the door. I was never going to get my homework done at this rate. "Misato, are you going to get that or not?"

Misato stuck her head out the door and yelled, "I'm reading! Screw them!" Which meant that she was so engrossed in her boy love comics that nothing would move her from her bed.

"..." Fine then, I'll get it. Misato, don't you expect me to work? Don't you even want to give me a chance to learn and actually get educated? "Hi, Ikari here."

"Shinji?" A slightly husky voice. I stiffened. "Hello, Kaworu."

"Hey, Shinji, I ... I just want to apologize for my behaviour before ... I probably came across as a real bastard ... I was pushing it, I know, especially when you'd already asked me another time to stop it. I shouldn't have done that. I thought I could make up for it by inviting you to the dance, since it appeared that you weren't going to go, but ... well, I'm really sorry if I came across as a complete suck up ..." Kaworu sounded regretful. I blinked. Kaworu was always so _confident_. Since when did he ever regret anything? Since when did he _apologize_?

... But then again ... he had taken the trouble to actually think about what had happened, then ring me, and then have the guts to apologize ... and in all truth I hadn't expected an apology at all ...

"It's okay, Kaworu. I didn't think you were a bastard. I just ... I just tend to be bit touchy about my past, that's all. I suppose –" I suddenly remembered that Kaworu had kissed me. Funny, I hadn't been able to stop thinking about it until now, when I was actually talking to the boy himself, and then I forgot it had ever happened. Was he apologizing for that too? "You don't have to apologize," I added, hoping that he'd get the message. "I overreacted. And ... well, thanks for ... inviting me." I heard a smile break into Kaworu's voice as he replied, "It's my pleasure. Thanks for saying yes." His voice took on a slightly softer tone. "I'd much rather go with you than one of those girls ... they scare me ..." You're not the only one, I answered in my head. Say, that reminded me – "Kaworu, do you know anything about ... what Toji did?"

"Huh? Beating up that kid? I never heard why he did it. He wouldn't tell me. He wouldn't even tell Kensuke, if I remember correctly."

Toji wasn't going with Hikari, was he? That could be a tender point. I decided it was best to leave it for a while. "Well, can you – please don't mention anything about it to him, okay?"

"Okay. Are you doing homework?"

"I ... was ... starting ..." I said after deliberation. Kaworu laughed. Oh ... that rich, seductive laugh ... I could just picture him in my mind, head thrown back and eyes bright. Nobody ever seemed to laugh at anything I said. But when Kaworu did, it didn't feel like he was mocking me. It was genuine.

"Have fun then. See you tomorrow, okay?" I nodded dumbly, forgetting that he couldn't see it, but then again he probably knew I was doing it anyway, since he hung up with a soft 'click'.

**

* * *

**

Thanks for the reviews – I hardly even expected one to be honest. Cheers for that, guys.

To all those people who didn't READ the heading in my first chapter I _said_ that this _was_ gonna be a one shot but got **too long…** blimey dude…

And to that person who picked up my apparently 'English' spelling, I'm Aussie. G'day to ya too mate.

* * *

Props unlimited to soulfulzen. Dunno where I'd be without ya, dude.

If you read it and liked it or even if you didn't, wanna tell me?

Review?


	3. raspberries::3::SCARS

**

* * *

**

**raspberries**

In the end I just didn't finish all my homework. There was too much to do in one night, so I decided to stay after school in the library and finish what I could. Kaworu kindly agreed to help me and Toji said he'd stay with us for half an hour before going to basketball training.

Although I had a feeling he just wanted to copy my answers.

Anyway, after school had finished the three of us migrated to the library (Kensuke was at cadets) and Kaworu helped me with my homework. It was actually very nice to sit in the quiet, secluded library with Kaworu leaning over my arm and murmuring things in my ear, even if they were just math calculations. I'm not sure if he was in such close proximity on purpose, or quite innocently by accident. It could have been either, knowing him. But either way it was highly enjoyable and I decided that there was absolutely nothing wrong with taking advantage of the nicer, less awkward moments with Kaworu.

Well, that's not to say that this wasn't awkward. I'm sure that I was bright as a beetroot the whole time through, not to mention rather edgy, but in all honesty I was pretty comfortable. So when Toji had finished copying my notes and got up to leave, Kaworu left my side to go and fetch a file from his locker that he said he might as well get and I realized that I did actually have to go to the bathroom.

So we all left together, Kaworu and I in the direction of the lockers and the bathrooms, and Toji in the direction of the exit. None of us had mentioned the dance or Hikari the entire time and Toji seemed to have loosened up a bit, being his regular chatty, whiny, over-the-top self, and he left rather more cheery than he'd arrived.

I noticed Kaworu following me into the bathroom and simply made the assumption that he needed to go as well. After I'd washed my hands I turned around only to find Kaworu right behind me – and I mean literally, right behind me. I just blinked, stunned, before he stepped me into the wall and pinned my wrists up next to my shoulders.

He was right there, _right there_, and I just stared with wide eyes. It was almost like one of us was waiting for something – I couldn't do anything with him right against me, and at that moment I realized he wasn't pinning me in place just by my wrists. His body was pushed up against mine, too. This was infinitely more ... awkward than the library, which was an understatement by far, but I didn't have the initiative to elaborate just then.

It wasn't a particularly warm day but despite that, I felt terribly hot under the collar, and I remembered that Kaworu had left the top three buttons of his shirt open all day and wondered if they still remained that way. But I didn't dare look. Even if I'd wanted it to didn't seem that I could look away from his gaze. No expression, just staring ... and staring ... like he was trying to hypnotise me. Or drown me, which was more likely. I just stared back, not even trying to pull free. What did he want? He wasn't moving, wasn't saying anything ... just staring at me ...

One of his hands very slowly left my wrist and pulled open the second button on my shirt. I think I was in so much of a daze that I hardly noticed, but then the third one was going, and then – and then he drew his mouth down over my neck and kissed the skin just under my ear.

That definitely managed to shock me out of my daze. I jerked my head back, startled, and my hand shot out and latched onto his sleeve, but he just braced his forearms against the wall behind me and slid his hands into my hair. Not being able to help myself, I shivered. His touch was so delicate ... his lips felt absolutely wonderful on my skin, and I tried to squirm but he held me in place. His kisses trailed down my neck like butterflies, somehow typically Kaworu-like; delicate and fleeting. And then before I knew it he was down over my collarbone, my clavicle, on my chest.

That must have been about the time my brain woke up, because my hands shot up and grabbed his face, pulling him back up while my cheeks were burning furiously. He looked at me again, still remaining expressionless and not saying anything. How could he do that? What did he want if he wasn't going to show any emotion? "Kaworu – "

I'd forgotten that he had his fingers in my hair but was sharply reminded when he pulled my head back and started on my neck again – except that this time there was a hot, wet tongue added in. Instinctively my hands slid up into his hair the same way, like a mirror image, and a whimper somehow managed to slip from my throat. He held me like that, body surprisingly stronger than it looked, and I won't lie – Kaworu's ardent tongue felt so good, working up and down my neck with slow, teasing leisure, teeth nipping in gently. All I could do during that was whimper and writhe, because he obviously wasn't going to let me go anywhere, and he left very little movement unrestricted.

It felt good.

A hand slid down my back, tracing over the line of my ribs around my back, down to the belt of my trousers. But he didn't go any further. Instead he just drew his hand back up, earning another involuntary shudder.

I tried my best to keep my mouth shut but after a while, Kaworu appeared to be listening and he would bite harder if I didn't moan the first time. Shit – I sure hoped like hell that there wouldn't be any marks. What if Misato saw? What if they didn't disappear during the night? I couldn't wear a scarf in the middle of summer ...

"Mmh ... I won't leave marks. Promise," Kaworu whispered with his lips in my ear. Then he flicked his tongue in my ear and I think that was when I jerked sideways and tried to push him away. "Kaworu ... please stop."

"Why?" he whispered heavily, leaning against me.

"I ... it's embarrassing ..."

He stepped back and put his hands on my shoulders, searching my eyes. "Sorry ..." He looked down. Then, drawing back, he gently buttoned my shirt up again with the exception of the first one, leaving it as it had been originally, and nodded. He gave me one final look up and down that left me trembling, and then slowly walked out, I following after him. I glanced around and thanked the gods that nobody else was around that I knew – there were a few younger kids running around, but they ignored us.

I wondered how much longer it would take to finish my homework. I could always finish some at home; it was just that I wasn't sure for how much longer I could sit next to Kaworu like that, with him so close ... but by the time we'd reached the library I was pretty sure that I _couldn__'__t_ sit next to him at all. Being kissed up by the very person you're lusting after will do that to you. I liked Kaworu, but I was far too shy to let anything go further than a secret crush. Obviously Kaworu had different ideas. And yet I was afraid of him again. I could never make up my mind – one moment I thought I was unafraid of him, but then the next ...

"You know, I think I should be getting home, I'll finish this later, but thanks for helping me," I blurted out, collecting all my books and stuffing them into my bag. Kaworu was flicking through a music book he'd picked off a shelf and he glanced up at me. "Home?"

"Uh, yeah," I faltered, caught off guard by how alluring he was when he had his head tilted down like that, eyes looking up. The corner of his mouth quirked and he shut his book. "Of course. See you tomorrow."

Walking home I felt very cold. The wind had become biting and the sun was hidden. I suddenly wondered how Kaworu would get home. He'd never talked about where he lived, or his family. He'd moved from interstate, hadn't he?

I couldn't even remember. The last few weeks were like a blur – I just couldn't remember them. It seemed I'd known Kaworu forever. The first time we met was almost lost to me, and I honestly felt that I'd met him so long ago that it was impossible to recall.

But then I happened to remember that tomorrow was the dance – how did that happen so quickly? I was sure it had been less than two days since Kaworu asked me ... maybe not. I had lost sense of all time ever since I met Kaworu – it was as if time didn't matter, and if it did, it simply changed to accommodate to suit Kaworu. Everything around Kaworu was strange. But that was partly what made him so beautifully mysterious ...

"You idiot. You've fallen for him so badly," I grumbled as I trudged home in the freezing cold. Wasn't it supposed to be summer? The thin white shirt didn't keep very much out. My fingers traced absentmindedly over the skin where Kaworu had kissed me, still feeling a tingle. In all truth, I had felt like I was just going to melt when he pinned me up against the wall.

And then I wondered. Why hadn't I kissed him back? I'd only been afraid before because I had thought that my unnatural affection for Kaworu would only lead me into bad things. Which could happen. But I didn't have to worry about Kaworu being disgusted with me – rather, he was the one who'd so eagerly started the relationship, if it could be called that. I just needed time to think. For once.

I traipsed in the door and Misato looked up from the newspaper. "What's wrong? You look flustered and upset and gloomy all at once," she exclaimed.

I shrugged. "I ... guess it's just the homework getting too much for me."

Misato frowned. I don't think she believed me. But she let it go, and there was an uncomfortable moment left hanging in the air. "You should read the paper. Some terrible things in there," Misato said as an attempt to break the ice. "A boy your age was brutally murdered yesterday. It's horrible ..."

"Misato, I'm sorry. I think I want to go to bed," I interrupted her. "What? Are you ill again?" she asked with alarm. I shook my head. "I've ... just had a long day."

Staring at myself in the bathroom mirror I wondered how Misato had managed to miss the red rashes staining my neck, down into my shirt. She couldn't have missed them – Kaworu had definitely been working hard. Oddly enough, I didn't feel embarrassed to the point of wanting to die. Just a dull, empty shame and humiliation. She hadn't said anything.

Had she guessed? Still, since she'd decided to ignore everything, she must have a reason ... as I've said multiple times, Misato knows me better than anybody. She had to have some sort of reason – maybe she thought I was old enough to deal with it myself, or that I was experimenting or something ... Misato has strange logic. I didn't bother showering – I could do that in the morning. I hadn't eaten since that morning but I didn't care. I just wanted to crawl into bed and get to sleep.

Clearly that wasn't happening. I couldn't lie on my back without replaying the whole scene in my head again. And the more I thought about it the redder my cheeks got, and I kept seeing Kaworu's face ... not good. There is something definitely very, horribly wrong with me. What to do, what to do?

I could pretend it had never happened. But it was obvious that Kaworu liked me, and I liked him back, so ... but I didn't really want a full-on relationship. It was embarrassing and plus, I really didn't think I was good enough for Kaworu. I felt shy around him, intimidated by his beauty. Surely there was somebody better for him than me.

Well, there wasn't really an awful lot I could do about it for now, because the dance was in less than twelve hours, and I had to worry about the sudden issue I had only just realized, which was how were we going to deal with people tomorrow if we arrived as a couple? Two guys going to a dance together?

No. People wouldn't accept it. We'd be laughed at, pointed at. I could just see it. And it would be my fault for making Kaworu get dragged down, because I was the loser. It was okay for people to sneer at and mock me, because it was no different than usual, but Kaworu was an idol among the year. To drag him down with me wouldn't be fair. Was there anything I could do?

He'd be upset if I didn't go. I had to go. But I didn't know how we were going to deal with the gapers. Hadn't he thought about this beforehand?

_I__'__d much rather go with you than one of those girls ..._

But everyone would hate us. I didn't want people to hate Kaworu. People already seem to hate me. Kaworu deserves better than that. Kaworu deserves better than me. People always see me as an outcast. I would stand just outside of the group, and occasionally people would talk to me just to be polite, or nice, but I always got the feeling that they didn't really care, that they were really saying underneath it all, 'Shinji is a loser. He's all alone ...' And nobody ever really let me in. I've been alone for as long as I can remember. I even gave up trying after a while, and then I guess I just disappeared completely from people's minds.

There wasn't anything to remember about me anyway. Just Shinji, the invisible boy. Shinji, the silent kid who stood by and watched everything. I suddenly had a flashback of about a year and a half ago, when I'd actually been mentioned in an announcement along with another bunch of names for getting a national high in a mathematics quiz. A gang of boys had jeered at me after school and I particularly remember one comment that seemed to be empty bullying at the time but took on a lot more meaning for me afterwards, "So pretty boy can actually do something! Is this the first time anybody's actually noticed you're there?"

The first time anybody's really noticed me ... Kaworu ...

Was I just being a selfish, ungrateful bastard by refusing Kaworu, when I knew that he was what I'd wanted all along? What if Kaworu would be hurt by my timidness? I couldn't stand to hurt Kaworu in any way. It would hurt me too. I took a breath and turned onto my side, just staring at the wall. If Kaworu was enough to send such a – such a feeling shooting through me just by looking at me ... and if he noticed me enough to even get that close ... maybe he deserved something in return ...

It's all so confusing. I don't even understand the situation myself. Shouldn't I do everything I can to make Kaworu happy, because of all he's done for me? Just by being there? If I could give him something in return ... whatever it is he wants from me, I should give it, because he's always there for me ...

**X**

The next day the marks had gone, just like Kaworu had promised. I was able to greet Kaworu with a smile and actually be a little happier. I think he was surprised but in a good way, because he laughed even more than usual and there was a twinkle in his eyes. He didn't mention yesterday's incident but I sneaked enough glances at him for him to know that I still thought about it. The most casual motions, like brushing his hand against mine, or winking at me when something funny happened, or just looking at me when he had a spare moment ... it gave me a funny feeling. It was kind of fluttery, but I couldn't describe it properly if I was paid all the money in the world.

Unfortunately things were a little marred by Toji's bad attitude – he was an absolute bitch all day. He made snide comments at boys and girls alike, swore loudly regardless of where he was, was rude to teachers and moped around at breaks, not eating, which for Toji, meant that something was very, very wrong.

"He's really pissed off today," Kensuke hissed to me when Toji was ripping some poor guy's head off who'd accidentally bumped into him. "I bet it's because of the dance. He's going with the prettiest girl in school, you know, but he doesn't really even know her name. He just wants Hikari."

Hikari had been oblivious to Toji's manners all day, only scolding him when he was especially rude to somebody, and then Toji would just glare at her and cross his arms. "You would have thought he'd grow up and get over it," Kensuke added. "Why can't he just accept that he left it too late? He should be happy! It's not like it's the end of the world. He can be so childish." I had to agree there. Toji was being incredibly immature about the whole thing. After all, it was just a dance! There was no need to get so upset about it ...

But before I knew it the day was over and the students were disappearing in an excited buzz, home to do themselves up all nice and pretty.

Kaworu seemed to have disappeared, and I felt a little disappointed, because I hadn't really seen him much all day. Kensuke was gone as well to set up all his technical work and Toji was left in front of his locker, not looking at me even though I was the only one left, just glaring at the inside of his locker. I weighed up going over and not going over, but let's face it, nobody would just leave a friend there and walk away. So I stepped quietly up to him, murmuring, "Hey, Toji." He ignored me and just continued glaring at the inside of his locker. I stood there patiently, figuring that he might need some time to snap out of it. Kensuke had definitely been right about Toji needing to grow up and get over it. "What?" he snapped after he saw that I was still there.

"Toji," I started, feeling hesitant. Oh, Christ, he's acting like a baby. "Toji, grow up!" I exclaimed in a harsh tone that surprised even me. He blinked and looked at me with round eyes. "Stop being a baby and get over it! It isn't the end of the world! If you don't dwell on it, it won't seem half as bad as you're making it out to be."

Toji just regarded me with a somewhat disdainful look. "It's alright for you, you're going with that pretty boy Kaworu whom, I might add, you're crazy about. You didn't get stood up by the teacher's pet."

"Why are you digging your heels in so much? You've said on numerous occasions that you can't stand Hikari!" I blurted, unable to stop. Once I'd let it out, I just couldn't stop myself. Everything that I needed to say to Toji was coming out all at once. Toji heaved a sigh. "I know. It ... it just pisses me off that I left it too late to ask her ..."

"You really do like her, don't you, " I asked, although it was more of a statement. A flush appeared across Toji's cheeks, proving me right. "Toji, just get over it. She's not even interested in the guy, and I'm sure that you'll get the chance to hang out with her tonight as long as you actually show up. Don't stand your partner up, or she'll get just as upset as you are now."

Toji let out a short laugh. "Right." He glanced at me and chuckled again. "You know, you're quite popular with the girls, Shinji." I looked at him blankly. "My partner tells me all her friends think you're one of the most attractive guys around. She just said it was a shame you were such a weird loner." I frowned at this. I should have expected it from girls – they can be so harsh. Oh well, it wasn't like I really cared anyway, and besides, they were probably right.

"Right ... well, just turn up tonight. Please." I looked him in the eyes and he sighed. "Yeah, yeah, I'll come. Might as well, just to laugh at you two."

"Thanks, Toji." But I knew he was only kidding. Toji isn't _that_ narrow-minded, no matter how one-track he appears. "You've changed, Shinji," he said at length, looking at me distantly. "Six months ago you wouldn't have even mentioned anything about all this. Now look at you, giving me advice, scolding me, sorting out my issues ... you're really come out of the shell."

"Is that good or bad?"

He looked thoughtful. "It's hard to tell, but I think it's good. You're finally getting some confidence and self-esteem." He smiled then, and playfully punched me. "It wouldn't be anything to do with Kaworu, would it?" I blushed. I _had_ changed since Kaworu came, even I knew that. I even felt more confident. "I don't know what you're talking about," I replied lightly. He laughed and shooed me away. "Get going, pretty boy." I glared at this but then just laughed.

"See? I told you it's true." Toji turned away, shaking his head and laughing, but called out when I was at the exit. "Shinji." I stopped, waiting. There was a silence and I wondered if I'd just been hearing things, but then I heard him add on, "Thanks," in a soft tone. I smiled to myself and headed home.

**X**

"Shinji, Shinji, what are you wearing? Do you have clothes? What time do you want to get there?" Misato was actually in the bathroom as I was taking a shower, which was rather embarrassing, but I guess it's not like she hasn't seen everything before. Besides, she wasn't really looking anyway – she was frantically hurrying around to do things that she claimed were to help me get ready. Who was the one going out tonight, anyway?

"Misato, if I could just wash my hair in peace, I might be able to sort it out," I said exasperatedly. Misato is a great help, but sometimes she's just too over-the-top.

"You mean get a good feel of yourself before you leave for the dance. No way, there's not enough time, Shinji. You have to hurry up and get out now," Misato said brusquely in a business-like tone. I turned bright red at her remark but it's quite possible that it slipped out without her even thinking it – Misato's like that. I'm pretty sure that she honestly didn't know that she'd just let loose a remark about me taking a long time jacking myself up in the shower and that she was just trying to get me out in time, all with good intentions. So I sighed, rinsed my hair quickly and turned the water off. "Misato, you don't need to worry so much. It's just a dance."

"But you're going with _Kaworu!_ You need to look good if you want to be noticed, otherwise he'll steal all the attention!"

... was she saying that I was ugly?

"You're wearing slacks? It's so casual! What if everybody else is dressed up and you look like a lazy bum?"

"I asked around. All the guys are wearing basically the same thing." Misato sighed and shook her head. "Come here," she commanded, grabbing me by the shoulders. She shook her head again. "Shinji, you need to put on weight. You're far too thin."

"Misato, I can't help it!" I exclaimed, wriggling to get free of her rather tight grip. She whipped the towel from around my waist and rubbed my hair violently, causing my head to whip back and forth. If I was still alive by the time I got to the dance I'd be surprised. Then she snatched the towel away, threw my underwear at me and told me, "You'd better do your hair well or I'll re-do it myself!"

So there I was, half naked in front of the mirror, trying in vain to do something with my hair. On the odd occasion that I actually look at my hair in the mirror all I do is run a hand through it, and it spikes itself up in long chunks of its own accord. I didn't really care how it looked, but the thought of Misato redoing it for me was enough to get me to at least try. Settling for a pinch of gel rubbed through it in the end, I quickly dressed and put my shoes on and sneaked out, hoping to get to the door before Misato spotted me. Unfortunately she was waiting for me and spun me around as soon as I stepped out of the bathroom. "You call that tidy? What did you do, drag yourself backwards through a bush?" I shrugged, feeling intimidated and edgy. Misato can be really scary. "It's getting too long. Look, you've got all these bits everywhere ..." She sighed. "I guess it makes you look like you." Standing back, she added, "You look okay, I guess. You're growing up ..." "Misato, please stop saying that!" She sighed again and shook her head. "Let's go."

The half hour trip was mostly in silence – even Misato seemed at a loss for something to say. Maybe I was rubbing off on her. Never knowing what to say to people and all. It was uncomfortable, the edgy silence that suggested that both of us were searching for something to talk about, but really, it was pathetic that we had to search at all.

I just stared out the window, hands folded in my lap, thinking about Kaworu. How confusing did he have to be? I just wanted him to like me, but when he actually showed how much he liked me back, I was afraid of getting too close to him. If only he weren't so perfect, then maybe I'd feel a little better. But there wasn't anything helping me – I just felt like I wasn't good enough for him. I was nothing. I wasn't worth it. Kaworu was untouchable ... well, strictly speaking, that wasn't true. I felt a little hot remembering just how he'd touched me, but the coolness of the evening soon washed it away.

The smooth halt of the car informed me that we'd arrived. Misato cast a worried glance at me. "Here we are." I slowly undid my seatbelt and sat there for a brief moment, sensing that she was going to say something. The night wasn't yet fallen and the noises of the insects outside had only just begun to set in. The faint chirping of a cricket nearby reminded me of metal scraping against the harsh gravel of the road, although I couldn't say why. After an uneasy pause, she said awkwardly, "Well, have fun, Shinji. Ring me if you need anything, otherwise I'll be back at eleven to get you."

"Yeah, thanks." I finally remembered to nod and moved out of the car. It almost felt like I was being moved by strings, the puppet master invisible yet powerful, and there was nothing I could do.

The afternoon was still rather light, everything a dullish, hazy silver or golden. Sepia tones. Like an old photograph that had leaked, memories disappearing along with them in a dirty smudge across the edges. "Shinji!" Kaworu was waiting for me, dressed in casual black trousers and a white button up shirt with the sleeves left unbuttoned so that they flared out slightly, hair left untouched and all the more beautiful for it. I felt relieved that we were wearing a similar standard of dress – despite my sullen protests to Misato I had been slightly worried that I would turn up over dressed, or under dressed.

"Alright?" He always knew when something was not quite right. Always. And I didn't even wonder, because by now, it was just as if it were natural for him to know. I just nodded and smiled lightly. The shadows cast on Kaworu's face gave him an ethereal radiance, his skin glowing and eyes brilliant. He was like an angel. He lightly hooked onto my arm and we went inside.

It was quite brightly lit inside and I blinked rapidly, letting go of Kaworu's arm as I looked for Toji and Kensuke. Kensuke was in a corner filming everything, but Toji wasn't there. "Is Toji already here?" Kaworu nodded. "I saw him arrive earlier with Ayumi."

I couldn't see him, but I assumed he was elsewhere. The hall led off into the bathrooms and another room, so he could be in there somewhere. "Never mind. Let's go anyway."

We didn't find Toji until a lot later. During that time, we did get some weird looks from people and I heard about three people mutter things under their breath about queers, but in general everyone just behaved normally and probably thought we were there together just as friends, purely, nothing more. It washed away a little of my worry but still, I was on edge, not able to relax and feeling self-conscious the whole time. Kaworu noticed, I know, because he would cast me concerned glances, but we spent most of the evening in an awkward silence, each wanting to say something but unsure of how to bring it up, or what the right thing to say actually was.

After about two hours we saw Toji sitting down at the very back. He'd been avoiding people, as it were. He was sitting by himself in the dark, with only a few people milling around talking. I wondered where he'd been for the whole night. He'd only just walked in, so perhaps he'd been with Ayumi. But I doubted it.

"Toji! Have you been here the whole time?"

Toji looked up. He was dressed in a black jacket and jeans, and he did look rather nice. But his hair was dishevelled, as he'd been running his hands through it dejectedly before we arrived, and his eyes looked tired.

"Toji, you look a little tired. What's wrong?" Kaworu inquired. His tone was neither demanding nor sweet, simply gentle and to the point. I felt a pang of annoyance. Was Toji still upset about Hikari not going with him?

"I had a fight with another guy," was his flat response.

"Why?"

Toji looked at me. "He said he was going to video tape Hikari in bed."

A sense of dread ran through me. "And where is he now?"

Toji shrugged. "About half an hour after arriving I was walking around outside and I heard them talking, so I just jumped in on both of them."

"Them? Then there was more than one boy," Kaworu frowned. "Toji, you said you beat only one guy up."

"The other one ran away before I could get to him."

Without another word Kaworu left to go and find "them", but I stayed with Toji. I didn't know what to say. He seemed depressed. At that moment I couldn't understand the reason for his moodiness. Sure, he'd been angry about what they'd said, but he'd solved the problem, hadn't he? And surely now was a good opportunity to go and find Hikari and dance with her?

"If she had somebody to protect her, the guys wouldn't prey on her like this," Toji muttered. "So why don't you protect her?" I offered vaguely, still lost in my thoughts.

Toji snorted. "Yeah right. Class rep and me. She hates me. And on top of that, everyone thinks I hate her, including her. Nobody would accept the fact that it could be otherwise. If I ever acted otherwise, people would think I'd lost it or something."

"You don't know until you ask her," I persisted, unwilling to give up so quickly. "I'm not good enough for her, Shinji, face it. She's better off waiting until somebody better comes along. Somebody who can protect her properly from those bastards." His words struck me quite piercingly and I realised with a shock that those words could have come from my own mouth, they were so uncannily relevant. Toji was in the same position as me – unable to admit his true feelings because he felt he wasn't good enough. Maybe if I helped Toji solve his problems, I could somehow fix my own ...

"Just go and talk to her, Toji," I coaxed.

"... I guess." Toji seemed reluctant. "Come on, it can't be the end of the world!" He sighed and shook his head. "You've changed, Shinji, but I didn't know that you'd become my new boss." I glared at him mockingly, but then pushed him towards the exit of the room. "Go find Hikari. I'll look for Kaworu."

He was outside and shook his head upon seeing me approaching. "I tapped him to see if he was conscious, and he jerked awake and then shot off like a rocket, yelling something about being sorry and never stalking any girls again for eternity ..."

There was a stain of blood down his arm and cheek and he sighed, trying to wipe the blood from his arm in vain. "Toji must have given him a bloody nose, some got wiped on me when he jumped up and brushed against me."

Blood. Kaworu smelt a little like raspberries, because I was standing so close to him. The smell was so familiar, and the red staining his pale skin reminded me of his blood red eyes. Raspberry smelt sickly sweet. Wait, was that raspberry or blood that I could smell? It was so hard to tell the difference. "Shinji?"

I was staring blankly into space, hands by my sides. "Shinji, what's happening?" he asked softly, taking my face in his hands very lightly. I felt his cool fingertips, the cool breeze brushing past. It was darker now and the shadows made everything grey – soon it would become dark and the stars would come out, giving everything a velvety feel. I didn't see Kaworu's blood red eyes, though.

There's a slight boy of perhaps eleven or twelve years. He is hugging his mother goodnight and then he is about to leave to brush his teeth, but his father appears. The boy is about to run to his father and give him a hug but his father begins yelling at his mother, making him stop in mid-step and watch in curiosity.

"Always worrying about him. Do you even realize I'm here?"

"Of course, I just wanted to – "

"No. Every day, it's the same. Just act as if your husband is dead, ignore him, and give all your attention to the little baby!"

"Gendou, please –"

"Listen to me! Why don't your eyes see past that silly little child in front of you?"

"He's not silly, he's our child, he needs to be looked after and –"

The little boy blinks as the sharp sound of a slap rings throughout the room. Silence. Then the father grabs the mother by the front of her pretty blue summer dress and slams her against the wall, slapping her again. Stains are so hard to get rid of. "Shut up!" he roars, completely forgetting about the young boy watching wide-eyed in the corner. He doesn't exist anymore. It's as if he is dead. So he watches with wide, terrified eyes as his father rips her clothes off, smashes her down on the floor and impales her forcefully, covering her mouth with his hand, watches as the father impales her again with a sharp silver butcher knife, thrusting in and out of her again with both himself and the dagger, in and then out. He wants to move, scream, run and stop it all, something, _anything_, but his muscles won't obey him and his body won't obey him and he can't do anything except stand there and watch it all happen. He closes his eyes and hears the mother fall on the floor, along with the knife from the father's hands. He feels his legs, running towards the father, taking the knife, and impaling the man, feeling the body land on the knife in his hands. He drops the knife and steps back before his eyes can even open.

And then the father falls on the floor, red spilling out with a strong smell, both eyes shut and mouths open. The boy doesn't move. Eventually he looks down at his new white sneakers, splashed with blood, and his white shirt, also splashed with blood, and his hands and arms, a red, drippy mess. It's all over his white shoes. You can't even wash shoes. You have to wipe them, and there's no way that raspberry that deep will come off by wiping it. The red is swirling and rushing forwards, and it spirals around to create a big, dark, foul tunnel of red, moist and sticky. It's almost black, it's so dark, and it's difficult to see. Or maybe it's the darkness of the night which is making things difficult to see. Perhaps it's a combination of the both. There is familiar silence again, which seems to constitute most of his life, occasionally interrupted by the creaking of a grasshopper.

Entranced, he carefully squats down and pats the dark red hole in his father's stomach. It's all squishy and very warm. He looks at his sticky hands and wipes them on his trousers. Then he walks to the bathroom to brush his teeth, sticky red trails following him across the carpet. But even the dark ignores him, and it's as if he doesn't even exist. Even the dark redness of raspberry ignores him and although the silence is hurting him, stabbing him like a knife, he can't tell anybody. Nobody will listen. Nobody ever even notices him. He's alone. The smell of raspberry fills his nostrils, and the stains on the carpet are glaringly obvious.

"See? That's what I remember," I finished shakily. "Do you think I really want to remember that? Experience it again? It's not as if I had been young enough for it to have less meaning, either – I was nearly a teenager, Kaworu. I knew what I was seeing, I understood what was happening. I spend so much time trying to push it away, but you insist on bringing back up painful memories. Do you know why I'm the way I am? A loser? Cut off from everybody? Because I don't know how to communicate. I don't understand people! I was so confused and upset by what my father did and what I did to him that I've never been able to understand people, and I'm afraid!"

Kaworu watched me silently, face betraying nothing. He leant forwards and breathed, "Don't be afraid. You don't have anything to be afraid of. I'll look after you."

I felt tears slipping over my face and wiped them on my sleeve roughly. I was crying. Kaworu had told me not to be afraid. But I was afraid that I'd be hurt by him – he seemed too good for me. I couldn't accept his word of protection because I just couldn't believe that somebody like him would waste all their time on somebody like me. I honestly wasn't worth it. I was just a nobody, noticed by nobody, just crawling through every day of life hoping to get to death unnoticed by the world.

"Don't cry," he said again a little louder, in a gentle tone. I blinked rapidly and I moved closer to him, suddenly forgetting all my worries and just realising that Kaworu meant what he said. He did mean that he'd look after me. "I don't understand why. He was angry, but why did he have to kill her?"

"Sometimes when people are driven by strong emotions, like anger, or hate, they'll do crazy things. The emotion takes hold of their mind and they can't control their actions." Kaworu smiled a little sadly, a faint glimmer of knowing in his eyes.

"Why? Why, why did I have to be there?" I sat on the grass and wrapped my arms around my knees and rocked myself a little. The world was quiet, the crickets even pausing for a breath as Kaworu sat down, put his arm across my shoulders but said nothing.

Kaworu wasn't ignoring me ... he was different, he wanted to know, he actually saw past the loner front that I put up and he wanted to know why ... and he wasn't jeering or making fun of me like everybody else seemed to ... Suddenly, I buried my face in Kaworu's shoulder and started shaking. Kaworu wrapped me tight in his embrace, not speaking, just holding me.

I sobbed, heart pouring everything out, everything, everything that had been haunting me for so long. Five years. Had it really been five years? It could be almost yesterday, the images were so fresh. The silver blade, rising, glinting, and then piercing through the air to – no! I shook my head, fists burying in the material of Kaworu's shirt. Kaworu tilted my chin up gently and very softly kissed me on the lower lip. It was sweet and gentle and so beautiful that everything just disappeared. But I still wasn't good enough for him ... my memories made me weak. I couldn't rely on Kaworu, couldn't depend on him to save me from falling, I couldn't use him as my comfort when I wanted to hide from everything. I _couldn__'__t_, because he deserved better than that.

His mouth was so soft and warm, and it made the pain sweeter ... I raised my head and, with my hands still entwined in Kaworu's shirt, started very delicately nibbling on his jaw. Kaworu's eyes widened but he remained silent and only showed any sign of emotion when my lips pressed against his, and both our eyes flickered shut.

Kaworu pulled me more to him, arms around my shoulders, and his tongue ran across my lip hungrily. I parted my lips and Kaworu's tongue slipped inside, hot and velvety soft.

I nearly broke down at the tender, inquisitive nature of it, not even having had emotion like that from anybody else; never having anybody else shown that they care at all ... I slid my own tongue past Kaworu's, probing deeper and deeper. Have to stop ... Shinji, have to stop ...

One of Kaworu's hands pulled back a little and massaged the skin that was just below the seam of my shirt, but not too far under it. He was so gentle and caring ... why hadn't I ever had somebody like this in my life? I'd never had anyone. Anyone, this tender, so tender it almost hurt. I didn't deserve him ...

Kaworu moved closer and his knee brushed against my groin, making me stiffen momentarily. But I dismissed it as an awkward accident and my hands slid up Kaworu's back into the thick, fair hair that felt so soft through my fingers. Kaworu was beautiful; somehow mysterious but so beautiful. I didn't deserve him. He was an angel, and I was a nobody. A loser face down in the dirt. I ran my right hand down Kaworu's back, fingers caressing the sharp protrusions where his shoulder blades poked out of the skin. I could easily imagine wings sprouting from the large, flat bones and exploding in a dazzle of blood and white feathers. Kaworu was more of an angel than a human already.

"Don't run away," Kaworu pulled away and cupped my chin in one hand, searching my eyes. "You can't run away, Shinji."

But I wanted to! I just wanted to lose myself in Kaworu, and forget everything that ever happened, forget it forever. Can't use Kaworu that way! The signals from my brain were getting confused, rolling into one, thrown out by all the things in my life that scrambled my head.

"Come on. Let's go back." He offered me a hand but I ignored it, hugging my knees tightly to my chest. Can't use Kaworu like that, can't rely on him to help ...

"Shinji, what are you going to do?"

His question struck me like an electric shock. He always asked questions that struck straight to the core. What are you going to do? What are you going to do about your sorrow?

And what was I going to do? Stay here by myself forever and wallow in my own misery? Or go with Kaworu, who cared for me, who was there to give me a hand up, and sort myself out later with his help?

Well, at that moment my brain must have finally switched itself on after seventeen long years of sleep because I took his hand and stood up.

"That's it," he whispered, his arm around my shoulders. And I suddenly felt warm and comfortable, and so _right_ ...

I was sure I hadn't drunken anything since I'd arrived. So I don't really have an explanation as to why I felt so wonderful just then.

We entered the hall again and immediately Toji and Kensuke came over. "Where have you been? We didn't know where you'd gone – "

"Shinji just needed a bit of fresh air. Let's let him have a bit of a rest, okay?" Kaworu saved the day by very politely suggesting that they leave me along.

"Uh – sure, if you're feeling that crook, Shinji..." Toji glanced at me, no doubt waiting to see green stripes or something of the like appear across my face.

"Toji-kun! There you are!" Hikari came rushing over, looking a little flushed. I have to admit, she looked great. She was wearing a simple white dress and her hair was done up with white flowers to match, and she had a bit of make-up on which, surprisingly, didn't make her look hideous like it does for most girls. No, she looked beautiful. Apparently Toji thought so too, because I noticed him give her a quick up and down and then blush very slightly.

She seemed to become a little shy suddenly and lost for words. She licked her lips nervously and swallowed, looking at the ground, and I thought perhaps it would be good to leave her alone with Toji for a bit. I took Kensuke by the elbow and very gently guided him away – fortunately he got the hint and said in an offhand way, "Shinji, let's go and get you sitting down."

As Kensuke, Kaworu and I walked away to give them some time together, Toji said uncertainly, "Would you like to dance?"

Hikari immediately perked up and smiled. "I'd love to!"

I smiled, a little surprised that Toji had been the one leading this rather than Hikari. Voicing my thoughts, Kensuke commented, "Wow, and there I was thinking that class rep just liked to talk and boss people around." The camera was turned off for once.

"There's often a lot more to people than what you see on the surface," Kaworu observed. I was sick of his strange premonition type declarations but I couldn't be bothered telling him – most of the time they were true. Besides, to be honest, I rather liked it. It was just the way he was. It gave me a sense of reassurance, knowing that even if I didn't tell him what I was thinking he'd know already.

Toji looked like he was having a great time with Hikari. They were both blushing but they looked wonderful. Hikari was laughing non-stop, and a huge smile just didn't want to leave Toji's face. They spent the rest of the night together, despite the fact that they had both pretended to dislike each other. It was sort of sweet, seeing them happy together. It was just sad that it had taken them this long to realise the truth. I wondered bitterly how long it would take me to sort myself out. I just couldn't seem to organise things in my head.

Kaworu and I spent most of the time just sitting around and occasionally talking – I didn't feel comfortable dancing very much when I knew everyone else would shoot us down. But just sitting next to Kaworu was enough to make me feel confused. He didn't ask me anything about my earlier outbreak and we both acted as if it had never happened. It was slightly ironic – he'd wanted to get the truth out of me so badly, but when I actually told him, he didn't want to know, or so it seemed.

We hardly talked, and I spent the remaining hours trying to understand my feelings for Kaworu. I liked him, but I didn't deserve him. He shouldn't have wasted his affections on a nobody like me. If only I were more like Kaworu, then maybe I could let myself return his feelings and maybe I could even finally, at long last, get rid of the secret that had been hurting me for this long, and just be happy.

But I wasn't born to be happy. I knew it. I was born to live by myself, in solitude, never seeking help nor friendship, and die alone.

It was like on those mornings when I would wake up and just instinctively sense that there was nothing worth living for – even thought my brain would be in a sleepy state of awareness, I would somehow know that there was nothing worth looking forwards to, that everything was just bullshit, and that if only I could get away from it all somehow – it was like that. If I knew that I woke up like that every morning, then there was nothing worth living for. Including Kaworu. Because I didn't deserve him, because I was so weak and pathetic and lame and afraid of everything ...

And then before I knew it, the night was over, and it was time to leave. Misato arrived ten minutes later but simply dismissed it with the excuse that she wanted to let us spend more time together. Needless to say, I had waved goodbye to Kaworu and driven home long before any of his family showed themselves.

**

* * *

**

Props unlimited to soulfulzen. The Grim Reaper lives.

Hey, did you see the review button down there?


	4. raspberries::4::Vanilla or chocolate?

**raspberries**

I went straight to bed and crashed as soon as I was in the door – in a state of half awaken-ness I was aware of Misato removing my shoes, shirt and trousers and pulling a cover over me, but it could have been my dream. Which was a pretty strange dream, because it switched back to the scene with Kaworu when I'd told him about my father, and then he'd kissed me, and then he had blood on him ... but dreams are just brain farts, nothing more, so when I woke up, I thought nothing of it.

I woke to the smell of something quite delicious being made – instantly I sat up, worried, because if Misato was cooking, something was bound to be set on fire any moment now. But to my surprise nothing happened and I dragged myself out of bed, half asleep, curious. Misato was reading the newspaper again, but this time, she was dressed smartly, hair done and all ready to go out somewhere, which was absolutely impossible for eight on a Saturday morning. I was lucky if she woke before noon on weekends.

"Good morning Shinji," she greeted me with a faint yawn. "I have to go away for two days on business. Sorry it's so sudden but I know you can take care of yourself now. I'm making popcorn!"

"..." In the morning your mouth tends to be horribly dry and you really don't feel like talking, but I managed to choke out, "Why?"

Misato looked puzzled. "Popcorn is nice!"

I wasn't really listening anyway. "I'm going back to bed," I muttered, already half asleep, too confused by so much information first thing in the morning to properly take any of it in. "You lazy bum," Misato teased. "Get a friend over to keep you company while I'm away, okay? I have to go now. Be back on Monday. Bye! Be careful, and don't burn the kitchen down. " No. In my opinion, Misato is the one the most likely to do that. But I shrugged and yawned, "Bye. See you later," sliding open the door to my room and crawling back into the warm futon.

Unfortunately I didn't get much of a sleep in because Toji, Kensuke and Kaworu came banging at the door and I had to answer it in my pyjamas. Toji and Kensuke just barged in past me without even saying hi, but Kaworu stood politely at the door, smiling as if he were delivering flowers to a funeral, although I didn't miss the amused glance he gave me up and down. Looking down I turned bright red as I realised that my pyjama top was completely unbuttoned and my trousers had slipped right down my hips. "Um, come in!" I blurted out, horribly embarrassed, trying to pull my clothes together. Luckily Kaworu didn't say anything of it and simply nodded, brushing past me. Glancing in the mirror I felt even worse as I saw my terrible bed hair, sticking up in all directions, all messy and tousled. Nice one, Shinji. Now Kaworu's seen you half naked, in pyjamas, with bed hair, sleeping in on a Saturday morning. Just great.

I quickly threw on a sweatshirt and jeans so that I could join them with at least a little dignity. "Er, hi guys, mind explaining why you just dropped by so suddenly?"

"Mind explaining where Misato is?" Kensuke demanded. "Um, on business," I said hastily. Kensuke's face fell and he looked terribly disappointed. "Oh, okay. "

"Sorry, Shin, we want to watch this new movie, and you have the best screen around ... and we couldn't wait to watch it so we picked Kaworu up and came over here, thinking maybe you want to watch it with us, " Toji said in a somewhat serious tone for him.

Yeah, so you just gatecrash on a Saturday morning with no announcement. I sighed. "What movie?"

"That new action movie with that guy. "

Ah, that one.

"Oh, okay. " Good thing Misato made so much popcorn, I thought offhandedly. "Uh, you guys want food?"

As we were all sitting around lazily, Kaworu slipped his arm over my shoulders, hand up the back of my neck in my hair. He didn't move or try to make me move; he just stayed there, running his hands lightly through my hair, staring at the screen. It was a nice feeling, and I think Toji and Kensuke hardly noticed. It made me feel less alone, and it made me feel like somebody had actually noticed me. Kaworu had changed so much in my life, I just could never express how grateful I was. He'd even helped me to be able to get me past out in the open, awkward as I was with it. I wasn't so introverted or depressed all the time, and I didn't worry so much. I didn't have to worry about things. It was nice, for a change.

But there was still the constant guilt of stealing Kaworu all for myself when I didn't deserve him. At all.

"Mind if I get some fresh air?" Kaworu stood up. "I feel a little dizzy. Too much concentrating on the television. " He took his arm away from my shoulders but gave me a meaningful glance.

I got the hint and went outside with him, the harsh wind whipping my hair into my eyes. It made me feel frantic, somehow, as if I wanted to get back inside, out of the wind, away from the sharp slapping, but Kaworu looked completely at ease, like a god standing there bathed in the light with his pale hair glowing like a halo. No, not a god, an angel.

"What's worrying you?" he asked absent-mindedly, looking out at the grey city. It was raining a few blocks away and I could already smell the bittersweet taste of it – soon it would come over here, I was sure. The faint mist that always accompanied the silver droplets was visible even from here, and sunlight broke through the clouds like strings from the sky attached to the earth.

"I ... nothing, what makes you say that?" But we both knew I was lying.

"Shinji, you've got to stop shutting yourself off ... you know it's not good for you. And ... " he paused, looking a little lost, which was rare for Kaworu. Almost impossible. "Well, I worry about you ... "

I'd known that for a while, but hearing him say it brought completely new feelings rushing through me. He cares. He really does.

"Don't close off from me, Shinji, " he murmured, face upturned to the rainy clouds that were fast approaching. "Is it because you finally told me about your childhood?"

Kaworu's asking questions? Why? He always seems to know everything. He doesn't know this? I was silent, staring out at the city that was enveloped in a fog.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" he commented. I nodded but still didn't want to say anything. So many times it feels like I've just lost the ability to speak – even if I have something to say I just can't say it.

"Toji doesn't think he's good enough to protect Hikari, " I said at length. Kaworu showed no sign of having heard me but he replied thoughtfully, "He just thinks that. He doesn't see past his own little world. If he opened up to the real world, he'd see that he's quite capable. He might notice other things, too. " He looked down, back at me, and his expression was unreadable, although it looked slightly puzzled. "Are you worried about him?"

I nodded again. "He's going around beating guys up, but then worrying that he really can't protect Hikari, and he's not good enough ... well, clearly, that's exactly what he has been doing without knowing it – protecting her. "

Kaworu absorbed this. "He just needs to expand his horizons. " As he said this there was a rumble of thunder and I felt a cold wind whip my hair even more violently, before the first few droplets spattered down coldly and ran down my skin. "Let's go inside before we catch the flu, " I suggested, opening the door, still trying to figure out all the different things that Kaworu had said. He's annoying in that sense. Half of what he says is blatantly frank and straight to the point, but the other half is coded in philosophical rubbish and metaphors.

"You guys missed the best part!" Kensuke complained, throwing the empty popcorn bowl at me. "Shut up!" Toji snapped, turning the television up and immersing himself in a fight scene that was taking place.

"Shinji, get more food, " Kensuke whined. I just stood there, brow furrowed, and only moved when I sensed him about to throw something larger and heavier at my head. "Alright, alright, hold on. "

Misato is a compulsive eater, right? Well, if I'd ever had any doubts about it before, I definitely knew now that she was. Bags of lollipops and chocolates stashed in the back of the cupboard ... well, too bad if she notices that they're missing. They shouldn't be there in the first place.

"Here." I tossed three bags of sweets at Kensuke, who hurriedly ripped them open and dug in. Kaworu just laughed, and I noticed that somehow his button up shirt was more open than usual, due to the way he was sitting. In fact, I had a very nice view of – no, Shinji! Concentrate on the screen for Christ's sake. But strangely enough, the movie was finished. When did that happen? It couldn't have finished so quickly!

"Well, that was great, " Toji announced, stretching. "Even better on a big screen. "

"... yeah, thanks for telling me guys. "

"What's the time?" Toji looked at the clock. "Shit! Sorry, I have to go. Promised Hikari I'd meet her for lunch. "

"You're dating?"

Toji blushed. "Yeah, I guess you could say that ... "

"What happened to not being good enough?" I teased, although what I really wanted was to see was how he'd solved the problem, and how I could solve mine in the same way.

He shrugged. "Guess I just realized that I couldn't trust the job to anybody else, and I might as well be the one to put up with her incessant whining and nagging and all ... "

Kensuke just snorted and threw a pillow at him. "What he really means is, he realised what a dick he was being before and woke up to the real world. "

Just like Kaworu had said.

_He doesn__'__t see past his own little world. If he opened up to the real world, he__'__d see that he__'__s quite capable. He might notice other things, too. _

Kaworu had known before he'd arrived, hadn't he? Then why hadn't he just told me the truth?

"Yeah, I have to get going too, sorry Shinji. " Kensuke really did seem reluctant to leave, eyeing the bag of candy lustfully and I just sighed, "Ken, take it. " His eyes lit up. "Wow! Thanks Shin! I love you!"

"Yeah ... whatever. " I don't think he noticed my weary rudeness, simply snatching up the bag and hot-footing it out of the door with Toji, the door swinging shut with a faint screech.

Brilliant. Alone with Kaworu. Again. How many times had this happened now? And how many times had it _not_ resulted in disaster?

I sat down on the sofa – more like collapsed – and put a hand to my temple. "Are you going to stick around?"

"Do you want me to?" Kaworu's tone was pleasantly neutral, as usual, as if he hadn't noticed my wearied out disrespect.

Looking up at this, I raised an eyebrow. "I was asking you. " He merely shrugged. "I don't have anything else to do, so it's up to you. Misato's gone away on business, right? If you want some time by yourself – "

Great, another decision. Get rid of him and be in lonely isolation again, having too much time to think and reminisce? Or keep him and be led into awkward situations that then led to thinking and reminiscing anyway?

"I'd rather like to ask you about what you told me last night, but if you don't feel up to it ... " he gestured. My temper flared at this. Did he think that I was a weakling, just like everyone else did? I thought that he was different! I thought he was different to everyone else, not the same as the mocking, cruel, excluding people that made up the rest of the world. I thought he wasn't like them. Angry at this, I snapped, "Of course I'm up to it."

His eyes darkened at my rude retort but he said nothing of it – I didn't think he would. He knew I was in a bad mood. "Why are you afraid of it, then?" He was calm, just as usual, and the barrage of questions I'd been dreading appeared again. "You're afraid of the past. You're afraid of people. You're afraid of _me_, Shinji. Why?"

And I wanted to tell him. I wanted to just get rid of it all, just be free of all the torment that had been building up all those years. I wanted to tell him the truth. "Kaworu, you don't have to isolate yourself. You don't have to worry about people calling you crazy, shunning you, calling you a freak, because you suffer memories of your parents dying. You don't have to fear a new person coming into your life and opening up old wounds again," I snapped, elbows propped on my knees and fists clenching. It was alright for him! He was perfect! Perfect! He really didn't have to worry about being alone. Uncared for. Miserable.

"I didn't mean for it to be like that," he said very softly after a long moment of silence during which all he did was stare at the ground.

Which was unusual, because usually if Kaworu's going to stare anywhere it's at me, just to make me feel uncomfortable. This change was so shocking and sudden that I didn't know whether or not I liked it. "I'm not trying to make you feel intimidated or anything. I want ... to help you ..."

Well, that wasn't the first time I'd heard that. But there was something about the way he said it. It made me think, maybe – maybe it's just me being paranoid. Maybe he really can help, and that's all he wants. He is the first person who's ever really paid attention to me. Perhaps I was just too quick to shut myself off, for fear of the pain. I was afraid that Kaworu was going to open my wounds wide up, expose them raw so that they hurt, so I hid away because I was afraid.

To be honest, I'd sort of known deep down all along that he only wanted to help. I just hadn't wanted to realise the truth. "You want to help me ..." I repeated softly. He looked down at me, red eyes transparent and I saw everything clearly for once. Everything. It was all so clear. The hurt from my memories, holding me back from communicating from people. And then Kaworu coming and actually getting close to me, close enough that I told him about my painful past, close enough that I started worrying about _more_ things, such as was I good enough for him to return his affection, and _why_ did he like me, _why_ did he want to help me ...

"Why?" I voiced the entire string of thoughts as one word. He looked confused. Kaworu was becoming more and more human today. He was _confused _...

"Because you need help. You've been hurt. And I want to help you. "

"But why me? I don't deserve you, Kaworu ... " I whispered.

He looked angry and his eyes glowered. "Don't say that! There's no reason for you to think that, Shinji. None at all. " I don't think I've ever seen Kaworu angry.

He sounded so convincing. But I still didn't believe it, still I was still afraid – but I wasn't going to let him see that. He really believed that I was good enough ... I wasn't going to upset him by contradicting.

"I see. " Then, I offered, "Let's go and get some lunch, " as a means of both finding something for us to do rather than spend the time around together in awkward silence, as per usual, and also offering a sort of compromise, an unspoken feeling that told him no hard feelings; I held no grudge against him anymore.

As if I had ever anyway.

But it was a good idea, because he nodded happily, and we locked up and went together.

**X**

Well, after that, we ended up going to a movie, and although it was a terrible movie, and a waste of money, it was funny, because we both groaned at the same parts and burst into laughter at the same parts. And I had that feeling again. The feeling of knowing that somebody cared – more importantly, _Kaworu_ cared – and he really thought I was good enough for him ... and by this stage, I almost believed it too. Sitting next to him in the dark, hearing him laugh right next to me, leaning on his shoulder and not feeling afraid that he'd shrug me off ... it was one of the nicest feelings in the world. And somehow I wasn't worried about anything, which was odd, and I didn't feel as if life was not worth living.

Rather, now that I had Kaworu, I felt like everything was beautiful, no more so than life itself. Life was better. I could even look back on my childhood with a smile, albeit a sad one, and say that it was the past, and it was all over now, and the only way to move was forwards.

I don't know how we managed to stay up so late but by the time we'd finished playing videogames it was very dark. Kaworu had to go home at some stage – I couldn't keep him here. "Kaworu, you can't walk home in the dark, " I stated flatly, at the same time trying to concentrate on the screen.

"Never mind. I'll stay here tonight. "

The fact did register in my brain that he'd just invited himself over for the night without really even asking, but it didn't matter. Besides, Misato had said to do so, hadn't she? And if Kaworu was staying I'd be even happier. Yes, things were definitely good.

Oh, except that it had taken all my intelligence and self discipline to restrain from smothering Kaworu in kisses – and more – when he'd been sitting near me doing homework. How was I going to last with him sleeping in my house? Just the two of us?

Maybe things weren't so good.

Well, Kaworu evidently had either not considered that or didn't care, because before I knew it he'd found another mattress and pushed it next to mine along with a pillow and blanket. I don't know how he found them, either. Although I suppose that because Kaworu seems to know everything it would be no more weirder if he knew where all the bed linen was.

Fortunately, by this time it was late and the "appropriate" hour to be sleeping, so I didn't have time to think at all, be they clean thoughts or otherwise. But I wasn't tired at all, and I had a feeling that Kaworu wasn't either, because we'd each had a can of coke before going to bed so the sugar and caffeine mix was starting to kick in, and to add to that I needed to go to the toilet. I sighed, feeling that it would take forever for me to get to sleep. I could see it was going to be a long night. Taking into consideration that I suffer from insomnia anyway.

When I returned from the bathroom Kaworu was sitting up on his bed, eyes bright in the reflection of the moon. It was a little eerie how he sat there without moving, just a dark shape in the room. Taking no notice, I knelt down and pushed the covers back, about to get into bed, when Kaworu said very softly, "Kiss me."

I stopped in mid-action and looked at him. He was sitting on his backside, arms propped over his knees. I was sure he'd spoken, but it seemed as if he hadn't. Until he repeated, "Kiss me, Shinji," without moving, and I drew my leg out of bed and sat on my heels, looking back at him.

After a short pause I scooted forwards and kissed him lightly on the lips, and he pulled me back gently until I was leaning him into the wall, sitting between his legs. I was taken by surprise here, but it felt so good to just brush my lips over his, and there was nobody around to interrupt us, so I didn't pull away. After all, just a little kiss couldn't hurt, right?

Slowly my hands found his wrists and I pinned them above his head on the wall, biting his lower lip so that he parted his lips, and I slid my tongue in. I knew that it was probably going a bit far, but I didn't really care. It was one of those times when you just know that resisting is useless. He sighed contentedly and I felt something hard brush the inside of my leg – but I just dismissed it and kept exploring Kaworu's mouth. And then my hands slid down from his wrists and into his hair, massaging his temple and neck.

There were no noises for a while except our heated, broken gasps when we needed to breathe. One of my hands found its way under his shirt, to his hard chest, and I started to explore the new flesh, tickling him in places and then brushing over his nipple. He hissed and pushed me down onto the bed, pushing his hard groin down into mine and making me cry out at the thrill that ran through me.

I traced my fingers over his back, trying to pull his shirt off, but I was hurriedly distracted by a tongue thrusting very suggestively into my mouth. Kaworu was all over me, pinning me to the floor, and although I'd never experienced something like this before, it provoked something inside me that felt a million times better than when I was by myself in the shower.

There wasn't much I could do at this point except squirm underneath him and kiss him back, my hands tracing over the smoothness of his neck and back. He growled when I kept twisting so his hands pinned my shoulders down and he applied more pressure with his body, effectively stopping me from moving. "Kaworu – " I complained, but he cut me off and his hand found its way to my cheek, thumb stroking the bone.

I don't know how long we lay like that for, kissing passionately in the heat of my dark room, but it was long enough for me to finally strain one arm out of his hold and slip it under his shirt at the back. I ran my hand over the smooth shoulder muscle, over the bare skin of his back, amazed at how smooth and flawless it felt. Lifting myself up on one side I pulled out from underneath him, pushing him back under me. Then I lifted his shirt halfway, just enough to see his abs and stomach, and he groaned hoarsely in one of the sexiest voices I'd heard him use. Tracing over his ribs, his hips, stomach, eyes running over him everywhere. That first time I saw him half naked, even just a glance had been enough to make my mouth dry, but now that I had him all to myself ...

He watched me with droopy red eyes, lazy and somehow very feline. A hand ran up my spine and I shivered, not resisting when he drew my shirt off and pulled my belt open. I was a little self-conscious of my bony ribs and shoulders so I leant down very close and started working my mouth up his body, starting with gentle brushing of lips against his abdomen up to hot, open sucking over his neck and chin. He sighed lustfully and arched his back up against me, and it felt so wonderful that I began to trace my way back down, but all of a sudden he flipped me over easily and sat on _my_ stomach, knees pulled in around my hips and hands cradling my face.

He didn't say anything but just began kissing me so hotly and aggressively that my body shuddered. Christ, he was so good ... I already knew what he was thinking, but the thought was driven out rather abruptly when his head dropped and there were sharp teeth grazing my nipple. "Kaworu –" I gasped out, startled, a tingling running uncontrollably down my body. He drew back and I relaxed, but then there was a wet tongue around my other nipple, brushing over and I whimpered, stuffing a hand in my mouth.

"Don't you remember that first time, in the bathroom?" Kaworu whispered, lips still there. "If I don't hear a moan or something, then I'll bite harder ..."

Oh yeah, I remembered that. How could I not? Kaworu's body pinning me to the wall of the men's bathroom, unbuttoning my shirt, mouth suckling over my neck ... But while I was preoccupied with remembering that, Kaworu, unsatisfied, bit me harder and a yelp escaped – satisfied, he then dragged his tongue down the length of my bony chest and hips, licking my bellybutton briefly then sinking his teeth into my neck like a vampire. I squirmed under him and another moan trailed from my lips, hands running up and down his ribs and waist, pulling his shirt open and over his head.

"Shinji, stop moving," he murmured. But I tossed his shirt over to the other side of the room and ran my hands over his chest, rubbing his nipples with my thumbs eagerly. His body was perfect. Muscle and bone and flesh all in the shape of an angel, better than any picture. No, Kaworu was the real thing. I could tell from the way he moaned and whimpered at my ministrations, forgetting my neck and leaving a trail of saliva from his lips. He grabbed my wrists and pinned them down again, getting back into my neck, biting my ear, even my jaw. His teeth were sharp and I felt him drawing blood on several occasions, but he always licked it off.

His fingers caught on the seam of my trousers and he pulled them down along with my boxers, ignoring my feeble protests and embarrassment. I didn't want Kaworu to be doing all the work. I wanted to watch _his _face while I did things to _him_, and I wanted to see how he reacted.

But I didn't get much of a say, because his hands reached between my legs, trousers and underwear now strewn across the room, and I cried out when I felt his hands wrap around me. His fingers played over the head and I bit my lip hard, clenching the sheets beneath me and eyes blinking furiously as I tried to suppress the groan that was rising as his hands worked me, tried to remain silent to prove that he couldn't get a response out of me and if that was the case then I might as well be the one trying to get a response out of him.

But it was so hard to keep myself both still and quiet – Kaworu's hand sped up, a little tighter and more vigorous, and then slowed right down to an agonising massage, then fast again, and I felt like I was teetering on the edge, my mind already reduced to a dull strip of grey. In the end, my pathetic attempt at discipline shattered as I cried his name out, bursting into his hand in a rush of white heat and making it sticky and wet. He put a finger in his mouth and licked it off, and I watched with a sick fascination as he leant down and kissed me so that I could taste it.

The taste on Kaworu's tongue was a little bitter, something that I didn't quite like, but then I remembered that it was my own taste and I drew back, hands pulling at Kaworu's trousers before they slipped off his slim legs, now making us both even in regards to clothing. He drew in a steady breath and buried his face in my neck again, stiffening as I stroked him like he'd done for me, but then grabbing my hands and pulling away reluctantly.

"I'll be right back, " he whispered, sliding open the door to the bathroom. My mind already slowed by a blurry haziness, I figured that he was probably just going to wash his hands – after all, the clear, white substance was a bit annoying after a while because it got everywhere ... But then he came back with one of Misato's bath oils, a vanilla one, and I frowned. "Kaworu, that's Misato's. She'll notice if it's missing ..."

"Well, we'll only use a little," he breathed, taking the lid off. I didn't really know what he was doing, so when he wiped it over his fingers I just scooted closer and took it off him, noticing that he'd only left half of the original amount. Kaworu, I_ did _say – oh well, can't be helped, I guess. I looked up to scold him for wasting something of Misato's about which she'd surely scold me for later, but suddenly he was pushing me back down, eyes seductive and dangerous, and I stared back puzzled, until I felt something slide inside me – _inside me _– and that was when I really did yell out.

Kaworu waited for me to stop screaming and then slid another finger inside the tight ring of muscle, making me draw in a sharp breath and grab his shoulders. Then another, and this time I'm pretty sure I screamed his name. "You'll be screaming more after this, " he hissed with his lips right in my ear, and he pulled his fingers out. I exhaled, face hot and mouth half open. "Kaworu – "

"Don't say my name unless you're going to scream it, " he warned darkly, and I was filled with a sense of fear of this new, merciless, flame-eyed demon. I grabbed the bottle of oil quickly, flicking the lid off, and I coated my fingers in it while he was covering my face in kisses, then, finding my way to his groin, clumsily slid a finger inside him to see if he reacted the way I had.

He immediately stopped kissing me and arched his back, letting a hoarse growl slip from his mouth as he collapsed back on top of me. I managed to get a second in, feeling him tightening around me, but refusing to pull out. Kaworu groaned again and his hips seemed to move up, and then there was a thick pearly liquid squirting out between my fingers, up my hand.

I pulled out quickly, startled, and heard Kaworu draw a breath between his teeth as I left. Deciding to taste just a little bit to try, I licked the back of my hand, finding it surprisingly good. Sweet, almost. Just as I would have expected Kaworu to taste.

Running a tongue over my hand, I was distracted as Kaworu grabbed my hand so he could taste it himself. And then one hand was on my hips, and the other was pinning me down by the torso, and just like that he slid inside my – inside my body, inside me! I yelled out again, louder (thank God Misato wasn't around) but this time it didn't disappear quickly. He drew in and out of me slowly, extracting a slow moan from me with his rhythm, tantalisingly slow. His eyes were partially closed and his lips parted, and I think I must have looked about the same.

But just as I was starting to get used to the pleasure, he sped up, a little faster, a little harder, until he was deep inside me, rocking us back and forth. And then he hit something deep that sent an explosion of sensation through me.

"Kaworu – " I tried to yell, but found that my voice wouldn't work. And then he was driving even faster, panting, faint groans dragged out with his ragged breath, until my voice suddenly decided to work properly as everything hit a peak and I screamed out, "_KAWORU_!" just as he copied me but with my own name, screaming it.

And he slowed down to a stop, breathing heavily, sweat covering his body and making him look even more the angel he was, silvery blond hair dishevelled, red eyes droopy and hooded, lips wet and stained darker than usual. "You're mine, Shinji, " he whispered fiercely, dropping his head down and kissing me softly one last time, and another, and another before tiredly moving onto his own bed and straightening the pillow.

And I finally trusted Kaworu, could finally believe that he wasn't going to hurt me or betray me or push me away. It had been like that from the start, I now realised. I'd just been too blind to see anything, blinded by my own stupidity because I had my head stuck in the past.

Shinji, you're so slow, I exasperated. All the solutions to your problems were right in front of you. In Kaworu.

I didn't even bother straightening out the bed sheets, just pulled a pillow under my head and letting sleep abduct me. Kaworu's arm wrapped around my waist loosely and we fell asleep entwined like that, completely dead to the world.

**X**

I woke on my back, breathing heavily and with a faintly cool chill in the air. The only sound was faint breathing, and it wasn't mine. I was completely naked, sprawled ungracefully over two mattresses and not even fitting on them. Kaworu was partially lying over me, his arm thrown over my chest and hand curled around the side of my neck. I noticed that his eyes were slightly open, bright red blinking out at me slowly. I tried to speak but my mouth was all dry as it usually is in the morning, so I settled for his kiss when he shifted slightly to get his face to mine. I was still kind of tired and managed to mumble, "I want to sleep ... "

Kaworu just nodded and snuggled closer to me, eyes drifting shut. I did hope that Misato didn't come home early. But if she did, I wasn't going to bother moving. This was too nice. She could be shocked, I'm sleeping with Kaworu, so what. To be honest I don't really think she'd care. Might be interesting though. Kaworu murmured something sleepily in my ear about being cold and pulled the cover over both of us. It was probably from lack of clothing, but I wasn't going to complain.

However sleepy I was, I couldn't seem to actually sleep. So for a while, I just watched Kaworu's face, and although he wasn't asleep either he kept his eyes shut, and I had the pleasure of just watching his calm face. I remembered the first time I'd seen him, I'd thought he was beautiful. But this close, he was even more beautiful. I did wonder why he'd chosen somebody like me. Kaworu was perfect.

But if he wanted me, if he really had chosen me, then I was happy. I trusted Kaworu, more than anybody. He was the only person in my life that I'd actually been able to trust, the only person who'd managed to pull me out from my sad, dark little world, since my parents died. And I could even talk about it without feeling the need to run away and never look back. Kaworu had really done so much, just by giving me his attention ...

"I think I'm in love, " I whispered quietly under my breath, so he wouldn't hear.

It scared me, to be overcome by such a powerful emotion. He showed no sign of having heard, and I trembled a little, but he only pulled me closer drowsily before taking a deep breath and opening one eye. "Did you say something?"

I shook my head slightly. "Let's sleep more. "

"Shin, " Kaworu whispered, disregarding my suggestion and calling me by my affectionate name for the second time, "I'm so glad I met you. I'm so glad that I could help you. You're happy now, aren't you?" At this I nodded and gave him a small smile. "I'm sorry for being so slow, " I replied softly.

Kaworu then said slowly and a little uncertainly, "I'm really happy that you can be more confident about your past, Shinji. It wasn't your fault, you know. You didn't … understand, and if you had just watched, you might have been killed. " He paused, adding, "I'm really glad you weren't."

I smiled and wrapped an arm around him. "You look so nice when you smile ... " he breathed very softly. Blushing at this, I shut my eyes and relaxed, and at some stage I must have fallen asleep, because I didn't remember anything more.

**X**

"Shinji, wake up. " There was a gentle urging, somebody pulling my shoulder. "Mm ... " I shifted a little and buried my face into Kaworu's chest. "Shin, come on, " a voice hissed in my ear. I ignored it and pretended to still be asleep. There was a tugging somehow and then a groan. "Shinji, my arm is numb ... " I sighed and let go, but as soon as I felt Kaworu re-adjust I latched back on to him. He sighed and ruffled my hair. "You're very happy and affectionate this morning. "

"I have a new toy, " I mumbled. "Of course I'm happy. "

"When is Misato coming back?"

"Tomorrow ... are you going to stay?"

"Until then? I suppose – if you want me to – "

"Yes, " I demanded. Kaworu gave a small chuckle and kissed my forehead. "Shinji, what about all your homework?"

"You can help me, " was my sleepy response. Then, "Kaworu, I just woke up. Stop making me talk so much. I just want to lie in. "

"You're a lazy little boy, you know that?" Kaworu laughed again. Then he lay back and sighed, taking my hand and putting on his chest so I could feel the up and down breathing motion. We lay like that for a long time, peaceful and a little drowsy, me just feeling his heartbeat and him just holding my hand. So this was that thing they called 'love'. Funny how everyone always made such a big fuss about it, yet I never really believed that it could be worth all the things that were said about it. But now ... well, although I'd never believed that this thing called love was all it was made out to be, perhaps it was quite wonderful after all.

Or maybe it was just because it was Kaworu that it was so wonderful.

However, it didn't matter. I'd begun to lose the necessity for analysing things in my head and it was easier to just accept things as they were. Kaworu was here, and that was all that mattered.

"Shin ... if I were ever not here ... you'd be strong without me, wouldn't you? You'd keep living strongly, just for me, wouldn't you?"

Kaworu's words were so carefully picked, yet painfully obvious, and a cold, sharp fear ran through me and seized my heart. "Why? Kaworu, are you leaving?" You wouldn't talk like that unless you were really leaving!

"No ... " he tried to laugh it off. "I just want to know that no matter what, you promise to be brave and strong, and keep going for me. Okay?"

"... Of course, " I nodded quickly, but I was still afraid of his words. He wouldn't say something like that unless he really were leaving.

"Promise?" He turned on his side and smiled at me. I melted, and there was no way I could refuse him anything. If he'd asked me to throw myself off the balcony, looking at me with those red eyes and that intimate smile, I would have gladly done it instantly. "I promise, Kaworu, " I replied weakly, his eyes distracting me. Why did it matter that his words were strange? All that mattered was that he was here.

"We'd better get dressed, " he said after contemplating my answer. "We can't lie in bed all day. "

"Why?"

"It's sloth-like and I feel lethargic, and you have to do a lot of things. " He sounded very motherly.

"Nn ... " I pulled the cover over my head, feeling rather sloth-like myself.

"Shin, do you really want to lie in bed all day, alone?"

That got me going. Kaworu just watched with amused eyes, as I hopped up and pulled some clothes on. "Do you need fresh clothes?" But glancing at his discarded clothes from last night, somehow I saw that they already looked fresh, creases gone and any dirty smudges disappeared. Shrugging it off without really noticing, I asked. "What about your parents? Won't they be worried?"

Kaworu shook his head. "No. After all, I can't very well ring home and say, 'Hi dad, sorry I'm late, I was sleeping with Shinji,' can I?"

A red stain spread across my cheeks and I looked down. He laughed at my embarrassment and cooed, "It's not as if I regret it, but I don't know how he'd take it. Perhaps we'd better get him used to the idea. " My eyes widened but I willed myself to not look to shocked. Don't be a weakling in front of him ... he was only kidding ... right?

He pulled on his clothes, looking like new, although personally I thought he was much better without clothes. Then again, Kaworu always looked good no matter what.

"Let's do your homework now, shall we?" I did wonder how he managed to be so enthusiastic about it all. However, I nodded and so we sat down at the table together, looking at math assignments.

If I ever misunderstood anything about maths before, after Kaworu had helped me I came to understand everything perfectly. When I got something right he'd grin and kiss me, sometimes a quick peck, sometimes something longer, sometimes not even a kiss. When I got it wrong he'd elbow me in the ribs or something equally as painful, while explaining how the problem worked.

"Show me again, " he commanded, referring to an answer to a particularly difficult question which I'd just shown him. "Shin ... you know that's wrong ... "

"I can't do it," I whined, wanting him to show me so I could watch his face as he concentrated, chewing his lip absent-mindedly or creasing his brow. He pulled me onto his lap, one hand resting on my thigh and the other enclosing my hand that was holding the pen, moving my hand and writing down the equation again while at the same time tracing his other hand lightly up and down my leg, moving a little higher each time.

"Kaworu ... "

"Mm?" he inquired, face buried in my neck.

"I can't concentrate. How am I supposed to pay attention to your solutions when you're distracting me like that?"

"It doesn't matter. We can finish it later, " he murmured, undoing my trousers with one hand and slipping his hand inside. I cried out at the sudden constriction that came without warning and arched back against him, trying to do something, but I was cornered in by the desk, Kaworu behind me and table in front of me. Suddenly he stopped, just as I'd stopped yelling and had grown accustomed to it, and he sighed. "You're right. We'd better do some work."

Now, I could have taken that to have an entirely different meaning, but unfortunately we both knew he was referring to schoolwork. "The sooner it gets finished, the more time we have to do other things, " he whispered a little more smoothly. Not being able to trust myself to speak, I nodded and tried to forget about Kaworu behind me.

But after a while I think he must have become exasperated at my constant mistakes – which were mainly stupid errors due to lack of concentration – because he pushed me off his lap and asked for a drink. I tried to keep off my face the look of dismay at having disappointed him anyway and poured a glass of water. "It's really hot today, isn't it?" I commented absently. Kaworu just looked at me and laughed. "Shinji, you're small-talking. You'd never have even answered a question somebody asked you before, and now you're trying to make idle talk?" He drank the remainder of the glass and then smiled dryly. "You've changed a lot."

That's what everybody has said. Ever since you came, I just find more things interesting, worth getting interested in. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not the old Shinji. I didn't say any of this out loud but simply answered, "I guess I have. " Which wasn't much of an answer, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth just yet.

He tilted his head on the side. "When I first met you, you seemed so shy and scared of things. Now look at you. It's almost like you're a different person. " Then he averted his eyes a little. "Sorry to keep asking but ... well, are you happy now?"

But I wasn't annoyed or upset as I previously would have been, or as I'd expected to be by that sort of question. Surprisingly, I found that I could answer quite easily, "Yes. "

"Ah. " He shut his eyes. "That's good. "

"What about you, Kaworu?" My question surprised both of us. "Are you happy?"

He then opened his eyes and looked at me inquiringly. "I have always been happy, ever since I came here. "

Oh. I see. I wonder how? Does that mean that you're happier now that you have me, or doesn't it matter? "I have always been happy because even just the sight of you made me happy. " He answered my unspoken question steadily but there was an undercurrent of emotion that I could only just detect, and could not identify.

Looking up at this, I blinked at him. Did he really mean that? But of course he did. Kaworu wouldn't say things like that without meaning them. Kaworu never said anything without meaning it.

I chewed over this for a short moment, before Kaworu announcing, "I think I'd like you to show me the bathroom, Shin. "

"Hm? Oh, yeah, right ... just through here. " I led him out of the kitchen and pointed in at the relatively large bathroom that was now oddly empty due to an absence of Misato's various health and beauty products. But as I was turning to let Kaworu use the bathroom and make my way back to the kitchen, he took my elbow. "I want to show you something. "

What? What would he want to show me in the bathroom? More to the point, in _my_ bathroom?

"Look. " He spun me so that I was facing the mirror. I blinked at my reflection, Kaworu behind me, and blinked again. "Kaworu, it's a reflection. "

"Watch. Keep your eyes on the mirror. " And then he sank his teeth into my neck, arms wrapping around my waist. I sighed shudderingly and my eyes fluttered closed, sinking back into his hold automatically. "Watch the mirror, " he hissed. He started sucking my neck very delicately, all the way down, and we both watched the brunette in the mirror gasp, stretching his neck to allow for more room as he grabbed the edge of the basin, leaning back further into the taller boy's embrace, eyes flickering shut and mouth slightly open.

That was enough for me to pull free of Kaworu's grasp and spin around, sealing our lips together and pushing my body against him hard enough to make him stumble backwards a little. His back fell against the wall and I immediately took advantage of this, covering him with hot kisses, hands straying from his hair to somewhat less innocent places, and he copied me. Needless to say, we didn't get any homework done for the majority of the day.

**X**

"You know, Kaoru, I always wonder about your family, " I said, staring up at the dark sky. It was night-time and the stars were just beginning to come out. Already I could see a faint dusting of the Milky Way.

There was a sharp silence but I didn't notice, simply breathing in the smell of the night and the sounds of the crickets and nearby river. "I never met any of your parents. You're an only child, right?"

"Yeah ... "

"What are your parents like? Do you look like them?"

"I guess so. I don't see my parents much ... "

"Why?"

There was another silence. "They're always out. "

I accepted this, much to Kaworu's relief I'm sure, and continued staring at the stars. I don't know how, but I sensed that he didn't want to discuss it. If Kaworu didn't want to talk about it, it must be pretty serious. I decided to be kind. "Isn't it nice, in the cool evening? It's as if all your problems are washed away ... "

"I think the sky is very beautiful, " Kaworu replied quietly. "I hope that you think of me every time you look at those stars, and that they bring you happiness. "

"I'd be happy forever just to lie here and stare at the stars with you, " I breathed, focussed on a bright pair of stars that were isolated from all the others. "If the stars make me remember this very moment every time I look at them, then that's happiness. "

Kaworu sighed and I imagined for a moment that I heard him sniff. Alarmed, I looked over, and I saw a tear running down his cheek into the grass.

"Kaworu! What's wrong?" I exclaimed, sitting bolt upright. He looked back at me curiously and I was astonished – there was nothing there. His eyes looked as clear as ever. Perhaps it had just been a trick of the light. Yeah, had to be. Kaworu didn't cry. He just didn't. He bled, yes, but he didn't cry.

"Nothing's wrong, Shin, " he said in surprise, then slid an arm around mine. "But I'm a little cold. Could you help with that?"

I snuggled up next to him, tracing over his ribs and chest with my finger through the flimsy shirt material. This was so nice ...

"Of course," came my reply. I don't know how late it was but I did know that neither of us cared. It was enough to just lie here, content, and watch the world go past. I looked back idly at the old Shinji, the scared, shy Shinji, and I laughed, pitying him. You poor little bastard ... you really didn't have a clue, did you? You were just going to keep spiralling downwards to your self destruction, never looking up and never seeing a way out. But look at me now. I'm happy. I really am.

"I'm glad, " Kaworu whispered into my hair. "I really am. "

And, I really was happy. I still don't know how long we were lying there for, staring at the sky, but for once I didn't have to search for the right things to say. I didn't have to search at all. For once, I was able to simply be comfortable in not saying anything, and Kaworu was the same. I didn't feel any of the qualms that I usually do when with other people – I wasn't afraid, or nervous. I was just ... happy. I even managed to tell Kaworu exactly what happened that night, the time that I had locked away for good, or so I thought, for my own viewing only so that I should suffer it alone, the memories, that I should carry the memories by myself with no help.

I was only twelve at the time, but twelve is the age where your brain has begun developing a little more and you become so that you are ready to accept bigger ideas and more complicated concepts.

It tends to be the time where education really starts, where the cramming of information and facts begins and actually has meaning, has significance, but for me, it was the time where I began to withdraw into myself and push people away.

My family was a happy family. My mother worked hard to keep us fed and dressed, and my father worked hard to afford this food and dressing. During the day, if I wasn't at school, I would do things with my mother such as going out to the beach or to the movies or sometimes shopping, and in the evenings when my father returned we'd all sit down and enjoy a nice meal together.

I guess that established comfort was what made the shock so sharp and painful, because it was unexpected and uncharacteristic. One weekend my mother was waiting for my father to return home, and I was just going to bed when he came home. He'd been fired that day, and he had gone to bar to get drunk.

My father wasn't naturally a heavy drinker so his body wasn't accustomed to the effects, and therefore his behaviour was unusually erratic; it was almost as if he were a different person. "I always think that it really was a different person, that my father had somehow been possessed, " I confessed to Kaworu. And that devil – or whoever took over my father's body that night – raped my mother and killed her with a butcher knife, right in front of my twelve-year-old eyes, then took my hands and took my father's life the same way.

And the dark blood had splashed everywhere, spraying over the walls and carpet and, most clear in my memory, my new white shirt and shoes. I was going to change before I went to bed but I never got the chance, because after brushing my teeth I simply fainted from exhaustion and distress, and when I woke up I was in hospital recovering from shock. I still had red marks down my front where my mother had tried to grab at my shirt as she melted to the floor, had desperately tried to say something, anything, as she gurgled raspberry ice cream onto my clothes.

The rest is a little blurry. After that I went to live with Misato, a family friend whom I'd known all my life. I ... I didn't say anything to Kaworu of this, but I really appreciate what she's done for me, even now. I think it would have been a big thing, to take in a child whose parents were murdered, a child who would obviously be disturbed and have severe repercussions from the event. Especially a child like me. Wouldn't she be scared? But she's been so good – she's looked after me, and she helps me deal with things, and even when she does nothing she still lets me know that she's there ... it's as if she makes up for all the parents I ever needed or wanted.

And oddly enough, I find those same qualities in Kaworu. He's so caring ... why does he care about me?

"Because you're special, " Kaworu replied simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. And that was all the explanation I needed. Kaworu would make things better. He had already done so.

We were just sitting there, hands touching but nothing else, like that simple contact was all that was needed to reassure each of us of the other's presence. It almost felt alien, this warm feeling in the bottom of my stomach. The odd feeling that there was nothing to worry about – and even if there was, just this moment could set all my other worries aside and let me enjoy life for the moment.

It felt wonderfully light, somehow, to finally not have to worry about all those heavy burdens. All those things that had weighed me down so much that it had almost become physical, in the way I walked and held myself, the darkness around my eyes and the pallid contrasting of my skin, the sharp blotches in my cheeks. But now, I already felt better. Already felt loved ...

But love had been there all along, hadn't it?

On the way home just as we were entering the car park, Misato's car drove in next to us and parked rather jerkily on the curb. The window rolled down and Misato's face appeared out of it. "Hey, Shinji!" I glanced at her and stopped, dropping Kaworu's hand. "Oh, Kaworu! Have you been keeping Shinji company?"

If only you knew, Misato. I raised an eyebrow and asked, "Weren't you meant to come home tomorrow?" She stretched and the door opened. "It was boring. I left early. " She ruffled my hair and chuckled. "I'd much rather be here with you, Shin." Kaworu's hand reached for mine and he squeezed it a little, agreeing with what she'd said. Misato glanced down at this small action and then back up. I waited, almost dreading what she would say. But she just winked and said quietly in a knowing voice, "I told you so ... "

Told you so what? That could refer to so many things that Misato had said that I was almost unsure of what she was referring to. Oh. Maybe about the boyfriend thing. Speaking of which, Misato needs to get herself a boyfriend too. She's been a bit jumpy – I know that occasionally she'll go out with a guy just to have a drink and a chat, just to reassure herself that she isn't completely alone and forgotten, and on very rare occasions I'll even hear her bring a guy home. But ... well, she's like me. Not really interested in anybody – that is, until I found Kaworu. Although there is a tall, dark haired friend that she seems to be seeing more of lately. I think his name was Kaji.

"I should be getting home, " Kaworu interrupted pleasantly, giving a small bow. "No, Kaworu, wait, can you ... " I trailed off, blushing embarrassedly in front of Misato. "Stay over tonight as well?"

Kaworu looked at Misato. She just shrugged and commented, "Well, I'd say that you've been living here the whole time I've been gone, so it won't make any difference to me. " I gave Misato a grateful look, albeit a somewhat embarrassed one, and she winked at me. Why does she always do that? I just don't know…

"I just have to go and get some groceries. I'll be back later. You guys okay to go upstairs?" She indicated inside the building – I'd almost forgotten we were still standing outside in the car park and it was getting cold. I shivered, wearing only a flimsy t-shirt. Kaworu silently placed his own jacket over me and suggested, "Let's go inside before you catch another cold. " I protested at the jacket – after all, Kaworu would be cold too, and he was only wearing a tank top – but he ignored me and politely said, "Goodbye, " to Misato, leading me inside the building and to the elevator.

"Kaworu, put your jacket on, or you'll be the one with a cold, " I insisted. Kaworu put a hand to my forehead thoughtfully as we entered the elevator and frowned. "Your temperature feels a little warm. Are you feeling okay?" Oh no. Here we go again. No way I can get sick so soon after that previous bad illness. "I'm fine, " I told him. "Stop worrying. "

The doors pinged and slid open and he laughed. "But of course I worry about you. "

"I suppose you expect me to take the same amount of care of you, then?" I opened the door with my key and took his jacket off, pushing it into his arms. He only looked thoughtful and shut the door behind us. "I think you already do enough for me without having to take care of me as well, " he answered after a short pause. "What's that supposed to mean? I'm weak?"

Kaworu very suddenly hooked his foot around my ankle and pushed me off balance, letting me fall backwards onto the table. Following me, arms pinning me down to the table, he replied a little amusedly, "Yes. "

"Hey! I'm ... " but I found that I couldn't really argue. He was right. Seeing my expression, he cut in, "Shin, it was only a joke. You aren't weak. "

I let my head fall back and hit the table below me. "I am. " Kaworu frowned. "No, don't say that. You've been so strong. " He brushed brown hair out of my eyes softly and leant over me, pressing me to the table. "You've come this far still surviving. "

"Bullshit! That doesn't mean anything, " I reasoned. "Stop saying those things, " Kaworu murmured, lips falling to catch mine. I was almost tempted to reach up and wrap my arms around him, but ... "Kaworu, Misato is coming home. I don't think she wants to come home to see ... anything like this, you get me ... "

"We've still got time, " Kaworu nuzzled my ear with his lips. I sighed and curled to his touch more, feeling a little guilty none-the-less for not having given him the same pleasure he was giving me. His kisses were like chocolate, hot, sweet and melting, but always different, and I couldn't decide which extremity I liked best – the fast, rough, slightly painful nipping that drew blood, or the slow, light brushing that felt as if he were trying to memorize my face by tracing it with his mouth.

"Kaworu ... you taste like chocolate ... " I murmured, taking his mouth with my lips and forcing my tongue in.

"Mm? But I like vanilla, " he replied, drawing away. Of course! I knew that. Kaworu _did_ taste like vanilla. Just … vanilla flavoured chocolate. He smelt like vanilla slightly, too. Not the oversweet, stuffy, cloying vanilla, the delicate and sharp fragrance of a real vanilla plant.

I smiled sweetly at him and then pushed him over, his face and stomach down onto the table, leaning over him. "Okay then, vanilla flavoured chocolate. Better?" I pressed my hips down into him, nipping the back of his neck. He groaned and tried to get up. "Shin ... " But I wouldn't move – I can be stubborn too, when I want to. My hands slipped under his shirt and I traced over his hard stomach, kissing the back of his neck everywhere, hips pressing harder and he groaned again.

"Shinji, stop it – " The front door clicked and I sprang up like I'd been bitten, pulling Kaworu to a standing position hastily. Misato strolled in with two plastic bags, humming off-tune, and she walked into the kitchen without even looking at us. Then she walked straight back out and it was as if she hadn't seen us at all. I looked at Kaworu, who just looked back at me and shrugged. He looked like he was about to laugh.

"I'm going to bed, guys. I'm tired, " she called. Okay, it was about an hour before midnight and I guess just having returned from business had tired Misato out. However, I was feeling pretty awake.

... mind you, I guess I did have an excuse. And she hadn't even seen us! Maybe she was so tired she really hadn't noticed us. But I just nodded and called, "Goodnight!" Kaworu was looking kind of fidgety so I slipped a hand up his shirt and started massaging his back, partially leaning against him. He relaxed and let out a breath. "Mm ... now I'm drowsy ... "

"Kaworu, don't go to sleep on me!" I said in dismay as he started slumping back against me, sliding to the floor. "I'm not carrying you to bed!" He just muttered, "I can sleep here, " but I couldn't let Kaworu sleep on the kitchen floor – it was cold, and probably dirty, and horribly uncomfortable ... and I didn't want to sleep by myself in my bed ... "Argh, get up, " I complained, tugging at his arm but by now he was just sitting there leaning against my legs. Stepping away, I knelt down and tried to lift him up, but either he was trying to hold himself to the floor, or I was just very weak.

And then of course he wrapped him arms tightly around me and pulled me down with him, showing no sing of drowsiness at all. "Kaworu, you aren't sleepy at all, you're just – mmh!" I don't think he cared very much about my indignation, because he sure as hell wasn't paying attention. "Shut your eyes, Shinji, " he then whispered, tracing over my face, and I could only comply and pray that Misato wouldn't hear anything, and that she wouldn't wake up to find two naked bodies entangled on the kitchen floor in the morning.

**X**

"Argh ... what is that sound ..." Kaworu groaned and tried to block his ears. I just took a deep breath of his vanilla scent and let myself relax, adjusting to being awake. Somehow we must have managed to make it back to the bedroom last night – either I dragged Kaworu in or he dragged me (no way I was going to make out on the kitchen floor), but it didn't really matter.

"... _is__ it okay to love you? Ah, like this ... "_ Oh, that's what that sound was. Misato was playing the radio.

The radio? Since when does Misato listen to the radio? She was acting strangely lately ... I wouldn't put it past Kaworu. He makes everyone act strange.

"Is that good or bad?" Kaworu inquired, looking down at me with red eyes. Oops. I'd forgotten about that. And we _were_ touching (well, more than touching, but I won't go into detail) – so no wonder – "What do you think, Kaworu? You made me act like a normal person instead of a loser. That has to be good, right?"

He smiled faintly and replied, "I liked Shin being normal _and _as a loser. "

At that I frowned. It made me think of all the bad things that had happened, and I didn't really like being reminded that I used to be a loser ... wait, that didn't matter now, did it? Because I had Kaworu ...

"I'm so glad I've got you, Kaworu, " I sighed, feeling pathetic but nonetheless happy. He didn't move nor reply and I looked up, confused. He was just staring somewhere above my head, and looking a little distant. "I have to go, Shin. I'll ... thanks for having me. It's been really great. " And then he gave me another hug, and smiled, and it was the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen.

"Really. Thanks. " And then he slid out, started to get dressed. "Are you going right now?"

Kaworu paused. "I am. " And then he looked up at me. "Do you remember when I told you to be strong if I were to leave?"

A wave of horrible foreboding washed over me. I swallowed and nodded. "Don't forget that, Shin. Just remember that you've become strong, and that you can't do anything about things that have already happened ... you know you've learnt that, don't you? About your past ... "

Silently a tear slid down my cheek. I didn't understand him. He sounded ... sad.

"I don't understand ... "

"Don't forget it, Shinji! Don't forget how to be strong by yourself, and how to find the small light that always, always appears to guide you. Don't forget to be strong for me ... "

"I won't forget, Kaworu, " I said shakily, trying to refrain from crying. After all, he was just going home, no need to get so upset ...

He nodded but didn't smile. "Goodbye, Shinji. "

"Goodbye ... " I was going to add, 'see you tomorrow', but for some strange reason I didn't say it.

I just smiled at him a little weakly, trying to look happy, and he smiled back before slipping out of the door.

_Don__'__t forget that ... _why did he speak that way?

I just lay there for a while, almost an hour I think, trying to understand what he was saying. None of it made sense. Was he playing mind tricks with me again? Kaworu wouldn't do that, I told myself.

"You going to get up today, Shin?" Misato called. I don't know whether she realised that Kaworu had left. Probably, if she'd sat there all morning.

"I'm coming, " I shouted back with no intention of moving. I just wanted to know what Kaworu had been saying. Couldn't he tell me in simple words?

But deep down, I didn't want to hear it in simple words. I didn't want to hear it at all. Whatever Kaworu had been trying to tell me ... I didn't want to know. Just when my life was getting good – just when I'd learnt how to become strong by myself, how to support myself ... Unless, of course, that had been what he'd meant.

Which it probably did.

What did he say? I had learnt how to become strong ... even if he went away ... was that what he was trying to say?

And then I remembered. I hadn't told him that I loved him.

**

* * *

**

Soulfulzen rocks. Can you imagine editing this monster?

Cor, look! There's a review button!


	5. raspberries::5::Finale

**raspberries**

After finally managing to drag myself out of bed I arrived rather late at school. I don't think many people noticed. Not many people notice me anyway. But I was surprised, when a lot of people started asking if I was okay, if I had just slept in. I was surprised at their interest. Since when did everybody notice Shinji?

I turned around and tapped Toji on the arm. "Where's Kaworu today?"

"Who's Kaworu?" he asked quite obliviously. He wasn't joking.

"What?"

"Shinji, are you feeling okay?"

"Kaworu! Kaworu Nagisa, the newest student, blonde hair, red eyes?" I couldn't believe this. Why didn't anybody – I glanced at his empty desk. It wasn't there. The empty desk was shoved up the back of the classroom turned on its side, unused and slightly dusty.

"No." Toji gave me a funny look. "Shinji, do you want – "

"Suzuhara! Are you paying attention?"

"What, me, um yes sir! I am!" Suzuhara said hastily, turning back around.

I didn't hear the teacher's question to him as the room seemed to spin about me and I felt as if my feet had left the floor, nauseous, blinded, confused. 

**X**

As the teacher tried to adjust the screen one of the channels flicked on to the midday news. The students were chatting among themselves and only I, stuck in my disbelief and sorrow, caught the end of the news report.

" ... And the parents of Nagiza Kaoru are still pleading for anyone with information to come forward and aid them in the desperate search for the killer of their son, Kaoru, who was brutally murdered just three weeks ago ... " I stared at the photo that was flashed onto the bulletin, the words "Nagiza Kaoru" printed below the image.

Kaworu's smiling face beamed out, looking no different to how I had seen him most of the time, mild and happy, content, beautiful.

"If anyone has any details or information concerning this tragic incident please contact the Investigations Bureau ... "

My mouth slowly opened and it took me several seconds to register before I turned around and grabbed Suzuhara's arm, yelling, "Look! Kaworu!"

Suzuhara broke off his conversation (rather, argument) with Hikari and turned around, glancing at the screen. "What?"

But the teacher managed to focus the video and a stunning scene of Mount Fuji appeared, covered in pure snow.

"Go back! Go back!" I demanded desperately, and the television, as if complying, flickered back to the news bulletin. But Kaworu was gone. The reporter seemed much more interested in the weather forecast.

"Tomorrow's weather fine and sunny, unusual weather for this time of the year and it will be beautiful weather all week, so make the most of it. Sunday will hit the peak of the heatwave with top temperatures ..."

**X**

_Kaworu is gone _... I didn't comprehend the words. They got stuck halfway and wouldn't register in the part of me that could have understood.

He wasn't even there to begin with. That only made things worse. He was never there for me from the start. It was all a lie.

"Kaworu ..." I whispered, burying my face in my hands. His smile the first time we met, his amused expression when Kensuke did something stupid, his expression that was halfway between shock and pleasure when I put my finger inside him, his smile the last time I ever saw him ...

"I can't. Not without you." The words trailed out of my mouth without me thinking first, but they were true. _Not without you. _

He wasn't even real. He was never there – it was nothing! It had all been a sick joke. And I had thought – I had thought I'd found somebody who cared, I thought I had found _love_. And everything had been a lie, all my courage, and all my joy, and everything I had experienced.

Was it worth it? Just meeting Kaworu ... and he wasn't ever real ... there was no point. Everything I had been living for. There was nothing to live for. Nothing to live for. He was gone.

_Kaworu would understand. _

Red spurted from my wrist.

**X**

_The spring breeze echoes the pulse of my veins and makes an uneasy sound, _

_My future is destroyed _

_I have no more _

_I want to be with you more, I want to be near you more_

_I can't do any more than hide the tears behind a weak smile_

_At the end of my countless years of dreaming will there be a true me?_

_I tried so hard to bear with it_

_I even reached out my hand, _

_But I'm here now, living_

_We're in hell under his control_

_The finale is revealed, the lights are extinguished, the stage is dark_

_Let me hear your voice more I want to be here still_

I loved you from my heart goodbye 

_I didn't even know your name_

Amber Dir en grey 

**X**

_The end._

To **Novaloria, bitchmonkey, Chakenmo, SyntheticNeko, maybe blue, berettaboy, Jellybean, M3y, Neko Kate-chan, tira, Tmina, puckie, Nailo, pewp, Adam Kadmon, maleficus-lupus, RoninsOath, Haziel, Cetsunai, Harushi Karasunaki, eurynomeonice, combat, lunasun72, HieiJaganshi11, lorelei, Sable3733, KivaEmber **– thanks, guys.

I really, really appreciate everything. Your reviews made my day.


	6. Raspberry Jam

* * *

What, you actually BELIEVED that I was gonna go off my rocker like Anno? You LOSERS …

**raspberry jam**

After finally managing to drag myself out of bed I arrived rather late at school. I don't think many people noticed. Not many people notice me anyway. But I was surprised, when a lot of people started asking if I was okay, if I had just slept in. I was surprised at their interest. Since when did everybody notice Shinji?

I turned around and tapped Toji on the arm. "Where's Kaworu today?"

He shrugged. "I dunno, haven't seen him around. I thought you would have seen him first."

That was what I thought too. That's why I was worried.

"Suzuhara! Are you paying attention?"

"What, me, um yes sir! I am!" Suzuhara said hastily, turning back around. Kaworu still hadn't arrived and his words from yesterday wouldn't stop echoing in my head. About being strong, even if … if he wasn't there … what had he meant? Why wasn't he here now?

When recess arrived and Kaworu still hadn't turned up, I began to get really worried. He could just be sick today, right? But there was an uneasiness in my stomach, and the flashbacks from yesterday would not stop repeating themselves in my head. I tried to reassure myself, tell myself that it was just his one day absent. It didn't work.

All through the morning the worry kept building up in me and I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't work. I was sent to the nurse again – the only times I'd ever needed to go to her was after I'd met Kaworu – and she confirmed that there was something wrong with me. She told me to go home and get some rest.

"You have a temperature, and you're terribly flushed. You might be coming down with something again."

But I knew it wasn't that. Kaworu's words spun in my head and made me dizzy, and I began to feel nauseous. Misato was at work so I had to walk home, and it seemed so much farther this time. Since when was this road never-ending? The cars whipped past me on the road uncaringly, for me at that moment just like the entire world that simply kept going by without noticing the wretched little schoolboy who'd lost his love. The clouds had been gathering and getting darker, and the air was chilly – I shivered violently. I knew that I needed to put my jumper on but I didn't have the energy. It started raining lightly, my already clammy skin getting wetter and I felt as if I couldn't walk any further. I just wanted to get home.

"_Shinji_!"

That voice pierced me through like a sword and I turned just in time to be violently shoved aside and knocked to the wet ground, landing on my backside in what must have been a very amusing scenario for any onlooker but was both humiliating and painful from my perspective. My palms were grazed, the sting of wet gravel and dirt against raw flesh, water soaking through my trousers and into my skin. There was a screech, a squelching sound. A smash.

"What – "

And suddenly I saw a lot of red, like Kaworu's eyes.

The ground spun beneath me and if I hadn't been already sitting I would have fallen over. My mouth dropped open and I'm sure that I tried to scream but nothing came out and something in my head was screaming at me, '_Shut your eyes Shinji! Look **away**!' _

But of course the natural morbid fascination with gore that we all have somewhere deep down compelled me to keep staring and suddenly my stomach churned and I had to lean over and vomit out onto the ground, my insides hurting and my throat and mouth burning.

Red. Shining in the midday sun.

"Oh my god …" A woman near me stopped and screamed. Not at me. At the mess on the road. I didn't dare to look up again because I knew what I would see – a car, veered off the road, leaving skid marks over the tar and the curb. A broken body now slick with blood. Pale hair, stained with crimson just like the eyes that were now shut. My heart was beating at a rate that had to be unhealthy and over the top of that loud thumping I could hear my uneven and jagged breathing, could feel my body about to explode. Rain pounded down on me, harder, sliding down my chest inside my clothes and flattening my hair to my face.

All the things Kaworu had said yesterday came flooding back. Being by myself … being strong without him … well, since Kaworu could 'hear' my thoughts didn't it make sense that he had known what would happen today? Could he see the future as well?

His hands pushing me off the road had bruised my ribs and it ached a little. The noise around me was getting louder – people had gathered around, had stopped in the heavy rain to crowd and gawk at another person's misfortunes, almost certainly taking a sick enjoyment and entertainment in my crushed lover.

Why hadn't anybody called an ambulance? Didn't they know Kaworu was dying?

I was still staring at my hands; I'm not sure when I had started doing that. They'd started to bleed a little, but the rain washed my blood away and it was almost invisible.

Kaworu was dying?

No! Not because of me, not again! Especially not … Kaworu … No!　This wasn't happening, Kaworu wasn't going to die because of **me**! My body moved without me telling it to, without moving and somehow I was suddenly past the crowd of people, by Kaworu's side, grabbing his shoulders and screaming into his face. "**_Kaworu!_**_"_

He didn't reply. He wouldn't even look at me. "Kaworu, open your eyes," I begged, tears slipping down my face and mixing with the rain.

The driver of the car that would have – should have – hit me, was only just getting out of the car now, a trickle of red down his face and a shocked expression to match. "Fuck!"

I didn't care about this bastard; all I knew was that I could move the blame from myself to him now that he was there. "What the hell do you think you're _doing_?" I screamed, my voice breaking up. "You – "

Before I had a chance to launch myself at him and do something unforgivable, the sound of sirens cut in. My anger at the imbecile who'd hit Kaworu was partially dissolved into a hopeful relief; somebody _had_ called an ambulance!

I knew already that Kaworu would be taken away, I knew that I wouldn't be allowed to go with him. Family only, right? But to my surprise – well, I wouldn't call it that, I was too much of a mess of shock and trauma and every other extreme emotional to be surprised – the woman in the white paramedic clothes looked around and asked, "Are you the only family or friend around?"

I swallowed and nodded. No time to be embarrassed and awkward now. "Right, get in," she answered brusquely, shoving me in the back after Kaworu had been carried on a stretcher. I moved like a robot, one part of me grateful that I could be with Kaworu, but only a small part.

During the ride I could only sit and stare at Kaworu's face, thinking desperately, _don't leave me, don't go out, please be okay Kaworu …_

He'd known what was going to happen to me, he'd sacrificed … I started crying again, silently, a cold despair growing deep inside me. Not so much because Kaworu had been hit – well there was obviously that – but more the psychological repercussions of why and what was going to happen after and, would I be able to handle the knowledge that yet again, somebody had died because of me …

I put a hand on his sticky arm, not caring about the blood, just needing to feel him there and hope like hell that he was still with me. _Don't go _…

**X **

I don't remember what happened in between that and coming to sit in a chair in a stereotypical over-sterilised stark white hospital room. I looked down at my knuckles clenching into my trousers, seeing how white they were. And shaking. I think my entire body was shaking but my hands were the worst, uncontrollable.

I was still damp from the rain but I'd dried off a little inside the hospital and now I began to feel the chill that had been approaching slowly since I'd left school. I drew my arms around my waist and hugged myself tightly, to try to keep the body heat in. To keep myself warm.

There was another man in the room, sitting some way away, middle aged and a little overweight. He was biting his lip and gazing into space, probably feeling very similar to how I did. Nervous. Dreading the news. Sick. How long had he been waiting? How long would I be waiting? The time that we sat there in silence was every bit as tormenting as any bad news that could have come – not knowing what had happened at all was worse than knowing the bitter end, it seemed.

But finally an elderly man opened the door on the left and approached the man who'd been waiting along with me. He bent forwards a little, murmured in the man's ear, and stood up straight with a solemn expression. I felt a hard and burning lump deep in my stomach, instinctively knowing what had made the man pale even more and freeze. The doctor looked at him for a little moment then shook his head and retreated back into the room.

I was left alone with the man and was almost afraid to look at him – his expression slowly changed from shocked disbelief to one of painful understanding, anger and finally anguish. A tortured cry escaped from his mouth and he collapsed, his head cradled in his arms, curled up in his chair in an almost foetal position. He took a long shuddery breath and his entire body shook; I was saved from anything that might have followed and in all likelihood damaged me beyond repair, by two nurses who came in and soothingly tried to escort the man from the room, crooning uselessly. Didn't they know? He couldn't hear them. He was drowned in his sorrow.

As the door slammed shut behind them my mind started to visualise myself in the man's position. I couldn't stop – what if the worst … what if I was waiting for the same news as that man? What if … what if, what if …

I nearly drove myself mad half imagining 'what ifs' and half trying to repress any thought at all, and I had to wait even longer before the door on my right moved and I jumped, heart suddenly hammering painfully and mouth dry. Did I want to hear this?

I looked at the nurse's face. It was impossible to tell – she wore the same kindly serious expression that all people with bad news seem to wear. A heat rushed to my face and I felt the prickle of tears, all ready to fall.

"Your friend is in a stable condition. He's broken an arm and several ribs, and lost an impressive amount of blood, but nothing fatal. It looked worse than it really was."

The first thing that must have happened was my shock. I stood there with my mouth open for a moment, trying to convince myself to believe her – after all, had I really been expecting bad news?

I tried to speak but probably ended up looking like a goldfish gasping for water, but finally managed to stammer, "He's – he's okay?"

She nodded and smiled at me. "You can see him in a while. I'll take you to his room."

I felt light headed but was filled with an inane giddiness. He was okay! That was all I could think. Had I really thought he was going to die? Kaworu wouldn't do that. Of course he wouldn't! I could hardly believe it was only minutes before that I'd feared the worst. How could I have let myself believe that … how could I have not trusted him, I wondered. Kaworu was really too wonderful.

**X**

Red eyes opened sleepily, looked up at me. I had a feeling he'd been awake for a while, and aware of my presence, but it was as if I'd been born again to just look into his eyes and see a faint smile on that sweet face. I repressed the urge to squeeze him in a tight embrace as obviously I didn't want to make the damage worse but I managed to be satisfied with giving a small smile in return.

We just looked at each other a while before he spoke.

"Do you believe in angels, Shin?" His voice was very quiet but since the room was silent, I had no difficulty in hearing his words.

It struck me as an odd thing to say, firstly because he'd just woken up after being hit by a car, and also because I often likened Kaworu to an angel in my mind. But it didn't matter. In any case I truly believed in them now.

I nodded. Kaworu seemed to relax and his smile widened. He reached out a hand delicately, the unbroken one, and put it on my arm. "I saved you, then, didn't I?"

From what? My brow creased slightly, a strand of damp hair falling into my eyes and before Kaworu could comment I blurted out, "You mean from the car?" That was what he meant, right? Damn Kaworu for always speaking in riddles of some kind.

"In a way."

Always in riddles.

"In a way?" I pouted. "Kaworu, what on earth do you mean? You saved me from the car, I saw it! And that's why you're here now!" Indignation came through, my anger at what he'd done evident.

He paused. "Maybe … angels are sent to save people … so if you believe in them, I suppose it was an angel that saved you from that car …"

And you from … dying, I thought to myself with a small shudder. But it was _you_ who saved me from the car. You're the angel, Kaworu.

That funny smile kicked up at the corners of his mouth again. "Truer than you know, Shin."

I'd forgotten about that. He was still touching me, so of course he'd known what I was thinking. There had been a touch of – what was it? I didn't know it, something very strange, but not unsettling – in his voice when he said that.

"What's wrong, Kaworu?"

He pulled his hand away and stared up at the ceiling. "I'm just glad you're okay."

His words were almost hypocritical because I should have been the one saying that to him, but I was still bemused by all this talk of angels. He was obviously trying to tell me something but I could never figure these things out …

He stared at me with those red eyes, pulling me in. "Come here," he commanded, and I obeyed, moving closer to him without bumping any of the wires or machines attached to him.

"Don't worry about it," he whispered. "I love you."

That was what I'd forgotten to tell him yesterday. And it was so important, and it meant everything to me …

I kissed him, my eyes shut, my arm slipping around his back. My fingers traced over a bloody wound torn down his shoulder blade and I thought I felt something delicate shift, something made of very fine bone and cool and feathery to the touch but there was only the softness of the pillow, filled with fluffy down.

* * *

I wouldn't be here without SoulfulZen. You wouldn't have read this story if he weren't around, so go and grovel to him.

Heh, I just realised that I made Kensuke a complete a-sexual throughout the whole story.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end. Thanks for coming along on the ride.


End file.
